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The Utopia Parkway Frequently Asked Questions List

  1. Must One Send a Gift?

  2. Is an Engagement Irrevocable?

  3. Are Threats Effective?

  4. How Does a Boy Ask For a Date?

  5. Is the Woman Always Placed To the Right Of the Man?

  6. Can You Live Up To Your Car?

  7. When Does a Man Rise?

  8. Who Precedes Whom?

  9. Must a Little Girl Curtsy?

  10. What Recommends You As an Employer?


  1. Must One Send a Gift?
    Always.

    The address is:

    Utopia Parkway
    1005 E. 60th St. Suite 639E
    Chicago, IL 60637

  2. Is an Engagement Irrevocable?
    No, but it may lead to an Irredemiably Irrelevant desire to Irradiate Irrepressible Irritants. Can also be Irksome.

  3. Are Threats Effective?
    No! And if you don't believe us, we'll put rutabaga in your ears, squirt-chez in your shoes, and make you sing "This Land is Your Land"!

  4. How Does a Boy Ask For a Date?
    With rutabaga in his ears, squirt-chez in his...oh, wait. That was something else. Sorry. Um....nicely?

  5. Is the Woman Always Placed To the Right Of the Man?
    a-*HEM*. What?

  6. Can You Live Up To Your Car?
    Well, it is possible. But cars are naturally very emotional, very needy possessions. It requires a special sensitivity and a great deal of patient care.

  7. When Does a Man Rise?
    Whenever she wants him too, honey!

  8. Who Precedes Whom?
    Yes.

  9. Must a Little Girl Curtsy?
    Only when she has a static cling problem.

  10. What Recommends You As an Employer?
    Our serenity in a crisis? Our flexibility and organization? The way we get every issue out exactly on time - so exact that the moon sets its cycles by us? We know - it's the resplendent physique, isn't it? It's amazing what chrome can do. Please leave all applications in the glove compartment.


All back issues are now and forevermore available online, filed under "Roadkill." Look for more FAQs here!

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