Volume 2, Issue 1 April 1996 _____________________ | ------------------- | Conceived, created, and birthed by: || || Francesca Parker || UTOPIA || (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kari Bauer || PARKWAY[tm] || (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kate Pickering | ------------------- | (kate@snafu.mit.edu) --------------------- | | | | Contents: | | | | | | | | o Despots' Log . . . . o Easily Amused By Spit . . . . o How To Hop On Pop Violators of o Announcements, Sundry Copyright Laws in Every Nation o Useless Phrases for Foreign Travel and State o Miss UP Tackles a Buffalo o Simulated Corporeality in Stockholm o Diner: Wishing Ourselves A Very Berr-Y Birthday *KISSING THE FUTURE IN MAUVE BEAM* Copyright (c) 1995 by Kari Bauer, Francesca Parker and Katherine M. Pickering Redistribution of this work for profit is reserved to the authors. Redistribution by portable media (CD-ROM, floppy, paper, etc.) is expressly forbidden. Any redistribution must include this copyright notice intact. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- DESPOTS' LOG: VOLUME 2 ISSUE 1 ---> ^^^^^^^^ Look!!! Well, Happy Birthday To Us. Who'd'a thunk, a year ago, that we'd still be crankin' this thing out over-deadline? Heck - until this issue actually gets sent out, we still won't be sure. But if you're reading this, we must have made it that far, so Yee-Haw. Hey - since this is a leap year, and we're one year old, does that mean we've really been writing Utopia Parkway for *four* years? What a sobering thought. So how's your spring going? No, really - has it warmed up yet? Has it been raining a lot? Enjoying the re-emergence of green? Here's hoping you can get out of your dorm rooms and offices and enjoy it a little bit before momma nature pushes the lever over to "HOT." Hey - and bring a few friends and a frisbee while you're at it. Well, listen - there's some punch on the table over there, near the pecan rolls and cheese puffs; we even got some twiglets for our continental cousins. The cake is still setting, but it'll be out later. Why don't you make yourself comfortable, and when a few more people show up we'll drag out the Ouiji Board and our collectors' addition of Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Uncle-Androo. Last one to the punch bowl's a stinky llama! Franny, Kari & Kate ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Cheap Entertainment for People with Low Amusement Thresholds *A Seedy Proposition* Don't ask how this line of reminiscence appeared in our collective frontal lobes the other day...maybe it's the spring, the warm air urging our down jackets off, reminding us what the outsides of buildings look like, packing pollen gently into our nasal passages as it brings to mind thoughts of picnics and good conversation and abundant affection. Or maybe it was the mystery meat with red-pepper-yak's-milk-and-orange garnish from lunch. At any rate, some of you may remember this from grade school, and, if you don't, better get cracking. Got to do it once before you die or you absolutely destroy your chances of meeting Elvis in the afterlife. 1. Find a watermelon. 2. Eat it. (feel free to enlist some friends to help...in fact, you don't technically *have* to eat it at all, but it would hardly be in the spirit of the thing *not* to. We won't even mention the optional hot summer day and grassy field.) 3. At some point, pick out three seeds (of the black variety). What you're about to do is name each of them after three people whom you desire in a way that could be described as "romantic" (anyone with other descriptive words can take them outside - this is a family show), and stick them to your forehead as a means of divining who you're going to marry (or go out with, or spend the rest of your life living in sin with, as you wish). 4. Do just that: name each seed after a desirable quantity, then lick them and press up against your forehead. They *will* stick. 5. Spend the next few hours fending off "what'cha doin' with seeds on your head?"-type questions, and their less polite relatives. 6. The last seed to fall off is The One. Ahh, the future is so easy to grasp when you know the right tricks. Note: the results of this test are guaranteed to be at least as effective as Magic 8-Ball predictions. Use for good and not evil. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Etiquette *We're Looking For A Few Good Men* What kind of cultural mecca would we be if we didn't offer some assistance in the realm of social elegance? Besides, we really don't want you embarassing us when you show up for our birthday party with watermelon seeds stuck to your head, or some other such nonsense. And so, from _Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette_ A Guide to Gracious Living (1958) we bring you some Official Etiquette for Civilians. We've decided to focus, in this issue, on Hops at Military Academies. Ms. Vanderbilt offers suggestions both for Attending Annapolis Hops and Visiting West Point. We've actually managed to obtain some rare footage of one of these West Point Hops, which we've made availible at the web site (http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/main.html). But now let's broaden our knowledge even further, and learn what to do if we should ever get invited to the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis: "A date at Annapolis is a coveted one for any girl and one, I hope, she has at least once in her lifetime if she can possibly arrange it. "Be careful to eat lunch before the start of your date, not only out of consideration for your midshipman's pocket money, but to save time, every minute of which is carefully accounted for. For example, a fourth year man is allowed no more than sixty minutes to get you home from the hop. Infractions of rules mean demerits for your escort. Unbecoming behaviour that brings censure on him means no future week ends at Annapolis for you. "The Navy is no place for individualism. That goes for the girl who is the guest of the Navy, and that is the way you should think of yourself. If you do anything to make a big splash, by wearing too sophisticated clothes or too conspicuous and expensive jewelry, by drinking, or by any attention-drawing behavior, you embarrass him, to say the least. He will wonder why he ever risked inviting you." * Some Handy Phrases (with Full Credit to the Academy) Drag - To escort; young lady escorted (date) Brick - Blind date reputed to have looks, personality, and money and who turns out to have money only; to saddle one with such a date Bucket - One who doesn't understand academic subjects C.I.S. - Chit from best girl saying she married your buddy or any similar chit meaning "I can't come" Gedunk - Anything purchased at the midshipmen's soda fountain (compare to "Boodle" at West Point) O.A.O. - One and only (sweetheart); one among others P-Work - Any quiz covering more than one day's lesson Red Mike - Loves wine and song but is faithful to the O.A.O. R.H.I.P. - Rank hath its privileges Swabo - Zero Wife - Roommate We hope this has been informative. With fondest regards, we hope to meet you and your O.A.O. for some Gedunk after the P-Work. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements *HEY! HEY YOU!! YES, YOU - OVER THERE!!!* or in other words, psst... We've got some stuff to alert you to, on the off-off chance you don't know about it already: * The Kids in the Hall Movie came out April 12th (so please be supportive). It's called "Brain Candy," it's about the effects of a mood-altering, prozac-like drug on a small town, it's good, it's funny, go see it. * They Might Be Giants have a song on the soundtrack of The Kids in the Hall Movie. Wow. Well, Bruce McCullough did say he liked Them. It's called "Spiralling Shapes," it's going to reawaken endless "Do They Use Any Drugs Other Than Caffeine?" debates on TMBG lists and newsgroups worldwide, it's really a lovely piece of music, and, seeing as how the whole soundtrack should be worth listening to (composed as it is of various neato bands, Canadian and otherwise), we really think you ought to go buy it. * Barenaked Ladies are on tour. They're really great (and we don't use that word lightly), they're Canadian (is everything cosmically linked here, or what?), they have a super big-band/rock groove goin' on, and they feel your pain...in other words, go see them. * Yoko Ono's on tour. And thus the cosmic connection ends. (Actually, let us just stop everyone who was about to write in and remind us that Barenaked Ladies have a song called "Be My Yoko Ono." The Management would like to ignore that fact at this time.) Her CD is also available for $5.99 in the bargain bin at Best Buy's across the country right now...So Buy Yours Today! * This year has been declared The Year of The Accordion. By the National Accordion Association. But don't let that ruin its validity for you. We just thought you'd like to know. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Reference *Randyman's Enticing World of Foreign Non-Sequiturs!* Without further adumbrations, we'd like to introduce the one and only Randyman (randyman@netcom.com) and his amazing Dictionary of Foreign Non-Sequiturs, for all those moments when you desperately need to not make sense in another language! ***** Hey, youse UPsters. Those of you who know me, know that I am a man of sundry and diverse interests (albeit mostly silly ones). As such, one of my hobbies for the past several years has been to collect a totally useless phrase in every language I could. I share with you now the fruits of my labors to date. Note: all phrases are spelled phonetically. --randyman (By the way, if any of you out there know languages I don't have yet, feel free to send me a non-sequitur -- the more random, the better. Address it c/o: Utopia Parkway kmpicker@midway.uchicago.edu) ***** Spanish: "El PEAR-o VAIR-deh co-may KAY-soh y TOH-doh el MOON-doh exPLOh-tah." "The green dog eats chesse and all the world explodes." Swedish: "Yog air oost" "I am cheese." German: "Vo ist dee nahesteh Koo?" "Where is the nearest cow?" French: "Je cwah que je vah crachay une bool de pwah." "I think I am going to cough up a fur ball." Pidgin: "Kurata bilong mi laik planti kaikai plis." "My octopus would like lots of food, please." Persian: "LahkPOSHtam dareh mireh az keshVAHR" "My turtle has left the country." Esperanto:"Mi hundo estas en vi hundo." "My dog is in your dog." Afrikaans:"Gahn cock een dee meeleese." "Go shit in the cornfields." Czech: "Ya NEmoozhoo dYEleet dvaNAATsky." "I cannot divide by twelve." (This is probably my favorite one.) Punjabi: "Maah nukt, boat ZAda, geRAba RUCK-da heh." "I keep extra socks in my nose." Russian: "Maya kowshka balshyaya chem vasha naga." "My cat is larger than your foot." Welsh: "Mine ooLEEB HUHthee." "It's wet today." (If you've ever been to Wales, you know why this is a useless phrase. It's always wet there.) Aztec: "Neequeemeecteetohk eenana Bambee." "I killed Bambi's mother." (No, don't ask how I got an Aztec phrase. I have some weird friends, okay?) Norwegian:"Yay aar VAN-li-vis OPP-tatt may schoett." "I am usually occupied with meat." Bengali: "sara soptaho ami opise khati, ar tumi amake phulkopi ene diecho." "I slave away in an office all week, and you have brought me cauliflower." ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Miss UP *Confidentially Speaking, We Are All Water Buffalo* Dear Miss UP, Tempted by promises of delicious processed-food treats, I'm going to share something with you. I have always wanted to be a water buffalo. I know it may sound strange, but, hey, that's the history of mankind, right? Can you tell me some way to either stop wishing I were of another species or help me to realize my dream? Signed, Two feet short of happiness Dear Two Feet, Everyone has a part of them that wishes they were something they know they will never be. Conventional wisdom would probably have me tell you that you've sublimated your desire into a form a little more....ah...*concrete* than most have to come to grips with. There might even be a gratuitous reference to "feeling like a member of the herd." However. What "They say" turns out to be right less often than the tone of the phrase implies, and anyway, I don't know that most of those big words actually mean a damned thing. Go ahead - be a water buffalo. Who's stopping you? Run with it, bubeleh, and call me when you get to Montana. - Miss Utopia Parkway ****** Dear Miss Up, Someone said that Billy Ray Cyrus is gay. There's no way, is there? Sincerely, Babahatchi Dearest Babahatchi, Good to hear from you again. His last name has an 's' in it. Need I really say more? - Miss Utopia Parkway ****** Confidential To Love-Possible In New York (or "Formerly Love-Lorn, now just Love-Looking") First of all, congratulations on handling a delicate situation with tact and grace. While things might not have turned out the way you would have most liked them to, I think you'll agree they turned out well (given the range of possible results). You're not as bad at this as you think. Keep at it, and you'll get what's coming to you. It's all good. - Miss Utopia Parkway Send your concerns, secret desires and wonton mannerisms to Miss Utopia Parkway at: missup@macatawa.org ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Debut *Utopia Parkway - The Talker* We Have A Home, We Have A Home, We Have A Home, We Have A Home... Oh. You probably want to know what the hell we're talking about. A while ago someone wrote in to ask what had happened to that B-School student we...er...*reformed*.... Well, ever hear of Stockholm Syndrome? The poor boy fell in love with his captors and wrote them a talker. Ain't mental duress great? Just telnet to: blacktape.cs.uchicago.edu 3000 Now we'd like to spend a second addressing the people who are still wondering what the hell we're talking about (and don't worry - we're closer to that group than the people who have been nodding their heads in agreement all along). A talker is a little bit like a MUD, in the sense that it's a talk-based virtual location. There's no *game* the way there is in a MUD, however, no objective, etc. Instead, it's just a place for people to hang out, and be as much or as little themselves as they want. This is our first exposure to the universe of talkers, ourselves, and we're just loving it. (The editors pause for a moment and do a dance expressing joy and wonder.) It has a lot of advantages over plain ol' 'talk' and 'ytalk' and 'ntalk': since it's arranged as a physical locations, with rooms full of people you can move between, etc., it feels like a more corporeal existence. There are a bunch of keen commands that let you do things like "mutter something about" or "dance around the room" with a few quick keystrokes (see more specific instructions below, when you get ready to try it out). Plus, you get to play around with people you'd never meet otherwise. You can still send messages to individual people (that aren't seen by everyone else in the room), and you can even close some rooms off if you want to have a private conversation with just a few people. What we're saying here is "Net Gain." And, of course, since its theme is Utopia Parkway, y'all are the chosen people. Not only will you feel right at home, but this is a chance to meet all those people who, right now, only sit next to your name in a file on our computer. There's a Diner and a Laboratory, and Miss Utopia Parkway has a room of her own, as does Uncle Androo. In addition, there's a TMBG Shrine, and a Drive-In Movie (which may just become a MSTie meeting ground..for..all..we..know..). Soon they'll be a KITH room, too, the point being that this could also be a really cool place to talk about some of the things a lot of us have in common. Man, we're glad we picked that B-Schooler to kidnap...we probably sensed that he had *some*thing superior about him...;) We're all on the talker (Franny is Dali, Kari is Rat and Kate is Olga), so drop by and say hi! (ooou...that was almost *cute* - we apologize.) * * * * * Brief Tutorial, as per the above promise: 1. Getting On To the Talker: First you're going to need a telnet application. If your email account is UNIX-based, find your UNIX prompt, which may look like ">" or "$" or "%" or something else nutty, and type > telnet blacktape.cs.uchicago.edu 3000 If you *don't* have a UNIX-based account, you should be able to find a telnet application - NCSA Telnet is one popular application for the Mac, as is Trumpet telnet for the PC. Most e-mail interfaces have a telnet function under some menu or another - the address is the same as listed above (blacktape.cs.uchicago.edu 3000) - or you can try using Netscape to open telnet://blacktape.cs.uchicago.edu:3000 2. Once You're There: After you've made your merry way over to the UP Talker, you'll be prompted to give a name; usually this isn't the same as your email user name - some examples are our names, given above, and "Phishy," who is the guy who wrote this monster. Then, when prompted, enter a password. At this point, if you have never used talkers before, you should type .help general The period before the word "help" is important - it indicates to the program that you're giving a command, and not speaking. More on this momentarily. Actually, right NOW! 3. Playing In Utopia: You find yourself facing this blank space, devoid even of a prompt. In the words of a great book, Don't Panic. Here's how it goes. If you want to say something, just type it and press enter (no period for plain ol' talking). The talker will flash you a little message to verify it's been sent, and everyone in the room will see it. For example, say Random Subscriber wanted to say "hi, you guys!" S/He/It would type in hi, you guys! S/He/It would then see You exclaim: hi, you guys! and everyone in the same room would see Random Subscriber exclaims: hi, you guys! If you want to use a command - maybe one of the ones you saw in the .help file, type . Again, remember the period. Some common ones are ".review" which will scroll across your screen the recent conversation, or ".go which will move you to an attached room. Some commands let you add a little more subtlety to your presence. There's a command ".emote" for example (which shortens to a simple ";") which will let you describe your actions by announcing to the other users in your room that "Random Subscriber . For example, say Random Subscriber wanted to do a little tango. S/He/It would type ;does a little tango and everyone in the room would see Random Subscriber does a little tango Typing ".shout " will sent your conversational addition to *every* room in the whole durned place. Typing ".tell " will send it to just that one user you specified. The same goes for ".shemote" and ".pemote " respectively. There are also a number of somewhat silly but lots-o-fun commands, like ".mutter " which expands to "Random Subscriber mutters something about " (try typing it alone, too), and ".think " which expands to "Random Subscriber thinks . o O ( )" Finally, let us just add that most of these commands can be shortened to those letters which uniquely identify them - .shout to .sh, .think to .th, etc., so it bears checking the .help file on anything you use a lot. When you're ready to go, type ".quit" (or ".q") and you're outta-here. 4. Getting More Help: If you're still confused after reading .help files and/or playing around, there are some people of whom you can ask questions. Anyone who is a "Wizard" should theoretically know a thing or two about what's going on (there are different levels of people on talkers - you'll start out as a "User" and get promoted depending on how frequent of a visitor you are, how much knowledge of the talker you have, etc.). To find out if there are any Wizards on, you can type the command ".wizlist" And/or you can send them mail. A few Wizards are Whiterabbit and Brat. Phishy, the owner, is also more than willing to answer questions. * In particular, for the week of April 22nd, Dali and/or Phishy are going to make an extra-special effort to be logged on - Wednesday, 6pm-7pm (all times central) - Thursday, 1pm-3pm - Friday, 2pm-4pm This obviously isn't exhaustive - we're all in and out a fair amount. Hope To See Y'all There! ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- UP Diner *Jigglin' Jell-O Gelatin Jamboree* What would a Birthday Party without a cake be? No, no, no, *besides* a room full of disgruntled guests. But. (permit us to continue our interrogation) What would a UP party without Jell-O Brand Gelatin be? We were actually a little bit worried about what we'd have at our party, when, just a few days ago, what should drop into our lap but "The Jell-O Gelatin Salad Selector." Yes, it's real, and it's even scarier than it sounds. Said Salad Selector book consists of a series of selector wheels, titled things like "Making fish tonight?" As you spin the wheel, it points out which jell-o salad would be best for baked fish, broiled fish, etc. It is by this highly scientific process, you will find yourself determining, despite your better judgement, that jell-o dishes are a fine addition to any meal, and can be mixed with almost any other substance. For example, try: o The Carrot Cheese Ring (Great with any Ham dish) ingredients include: pineapple, carrots, cottage cheese, and lemon Jell-O Brand Gelatin o The Asparagus Castle (for consumption with Steak) ingredients include: asparagus, pimiento, Worcestershire sauce, onion, vinegar, and lemon Jell-O Brand Gelatin o The Red Red Salad (Making hamburger tonight?) ingredients include: salt, green pepper, katsup and strawberry flavor Jell-O Brand Gelatin mmmmmm! And baby, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Man, why can't it be our birthday *every* day? So what will we have for our birthday feast? Hmmm....maybe we'll start with the "Tomato Aspic," move onto the "French Bean Basket," slide into the "Banana Greens," mosey our way over to the "Longhorn Salad," make way for the "Saucy Yogurt Salad," and finally end the evening right with "Pineapple Lime Temptation." Who said Jell-O wasn't fully nutritional? Don't forget to check out the virtual victual visuals at: http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/diner.html --->Warning: Kids, you can't make stuff like this up.<--- ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- * And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor... * This month's sponsor is the new Spring Line from L'Oreal: o o o o o CYBERSHINE o o o o o (and it's a shame we can't write it in the same font - that awkward but pseudo-futuristic type that computers haven't actually used for some time now) And, as usual, it would be difficult to improve on the press some team of hightly paid, trained and experienced copy writers spent months composing. So, in scintillating ASCII.... CYBERSHINE: "It's a shine of the times. The millennium of m e g a - shimmer. And it's here. N o w. This very iridescent instant. A spectrum that puts you in a reflective mood. P u c k e r up to Sheer M o o n Berry, Mauve B e a m. Set your s i g h t s on Prism, do. This Spring the Future shines for you" "The millennium is upon us and this spring, new cyber fabrics are transforming traditional styles into ultra-hip, techno trends. For spring, we see shiny synthetics, metallic mesh and even plastic, updating some of our favorite shapes from the past." "WEB SITE, http://www.lorealcosmetics.com" Caveat Emptor: the products described herein may just make you look like Johnny Mnmnmnmnmonic's girlfriend. The management is not responsible for any loss of I.Q., and does not necessarily advocate the use of *anything* named "Mauve Beam." ------UP---------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?------