Volume 1, Issue 9 January 1996 _____________________ | ------------------- | Conceived, created, and birthed by: || || Francesca Parker || UTOPIA || (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kari Bauer || PARKWAY[tm] || (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kate Pickering | ------------------- | (kate@snafu.mit.edu) --------------------- | | | | Contents: | | | | | | | | o Despots' Log . . . . o UP Plays Cupid: You've never . . . . known love like this before o Press Kit Violators of o Easily Amused: Fall of the Yuppie Copyright Laws o Greg Tells It Like It Is in Every Nation o Help Wanted and State o Performance Arts & Crafts o Diner: Have Your People Call Our People *THIS SPACE AVAILABLE* Copyright (c) 1995 by Kari Bauer, Francesca Parker and Katherine M. Pickering All rights reserved ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- DESPOTS' LOG: VOLUME I ISSUE 9 Hey thar, gentles all, Well, we've got some news. News of call-the-presses order. Sometime in the near future, Utopia Parkway is moving. Now I know you're saying (or thinking, if you happen to be in public place, or saying in a public place and getting funny looks. Again.), "How can you move a whole parkway? Won't there still be a road, even if you drag up all the concrete? How do you just make room for a new road? What's the largest prime number?" Well, it's all about the beauty of the electronic highways and byways that are on the eve of their world takeover. Lock up the kiddies and pour yourself a drink. Ain't progress grand? The exact date of our (to lapse momentarily into Hollywood-ease) Data Transfer is as yet to be determined, but hopefully it'll take place next month or the one after, which we hope will still be March by the time we get there...you know we're dealing with one touchy astral frame here. We could go on and on about how this will affect you very little, save for an address change, but, hey, you know we'd never leave you, right? Of course, in the process, we've had to affect some show of legitimacy (justify our existence - you know - business as usual). We're gonna be more public, so we've been trying to hammer ourselves down with large spikes - a lot of fun if you're in the mood, mind you, but logistically defenestrational nevertheless - you may have noticed, for example, the trademark and copyrights on the so-called-and-so-believed cover. In the spirit of the thing, we've decided we need a last hurrah. A memorable final moment in languid obscurity, if you will. In short, we'd like to single-handedly infringe on a previously unheard-of number of copyright laws. So get out your pencils and score charts...we'll see you on the other side... love & smooches, the Big Sell-Outs this issue of _Utopia Parkway_ has been brought to you by the Microsoft Corporation (ouch) ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *Lookin' For Love in All the Wrong Places* Yes, it's yet another attempt to get interactive! There's such a large and wonderful group of people hanging out on Utopia Parkway that we keep thinking it would be nice if there was more mingling going on than the occasional electron popping back and forth when we call up the subscribership list on our screen. Last month, we briefly considered whether or not it would be possible to organize a massive Secret Snowflake [laugh, and it'll be the last thing you ever do -ed.]-type event, where anyone who wanted to take part (and got a permission slip from mom and dad) would have been randomly assigned another subscriber to send holiday greetings to... everyone would have felt the love - it would've been beautiful. But we weren't sure we wanted to let you loose on the parkway like that, especially since all the lights are out along that one stretch...frankly, we worried that you'd end up ruling our universe. Which would have been troublesome, since it's all we have. But we still want everyone to play together. So as a step towards that, we'd like to extend the following offer. If you send us the name and email address of a loved one, and six details (more if you want) about your relationship with s/he/it, we'll send this marvelous person an original Utopia Parkway bit o' poetry for Valentine's Day. ALSO IMPORTANT: please let us know whether you'd like us to sign your name at the end or not - hey, we're all for concealed passion over here. [psst...we love you. -ed.] ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *The Big Sell-Out* We needed some press. Let us know what you think. Utopia Parkway is the Choice of a New Generation. It's Everywhere you want to Be. Not only is Utopia Parkway Something Special in the Air, it's also Advanced Medicine for Pain. And we don't mean maybe. Working Together to Serve You Better, we're All Day Strong. All Day Long. We *are* what's on...so where do you want to go today? Finger-lickin' good, smart (very smart), the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest magazine - we're grrrrrrrreeeaaatt!!!... So why ask why? Utopia Parkway's not just for breakfast anymore. We're a different kind of company. A different kind of 'zine. One loyal reader exclaimed "I love what you do for me!" while another noted that UP was "good to the last drop." [yet another subscriber muttered "For me, only Zantac is Zantac," but, obviously, we put her down. -ed.] Hey - with a name like "Utopia Parkway," it has to be good. What are you waiting for? Bite into the sensation. Betcha can't eat just one...luckily, there's always room for U-T-O-P-I-A-P-A-R-K-W-A-Y. Utopia Parkway is the most popular cruise line in the world and the brand hospitals choose most. In fact, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend it over the leading brand. What does all this mean? We're always one step ahead, so when you've got UP, you've got the right one, baby. Trust in the rock - we're the snack you've been searching for. See, hear and feel the difference. Know the code - nothing beats the real thing. The choice is yours. It's different out here. So just do it. Utopia Parkway: It Does A Body Good. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *Cheap Entertainment For People With Low Amusement Thresholds* We stumbled onto this little amusement almost incidentally, and yet it's one of our favorites... The theme of this particular game is infiltration and rectification ("Utopia Parkway, Making the World a Better Place for All of Our Friends..."), so the first thing you have to do is 1. Choose a site of disgust This could be any place in your neighborhood or on your campus which inspires in you an emotion ranging from disrespect to outright hatred. We chose the University of Chicago Business School. Nobel Prizes? Bah! Conservative economics be damned, say we! 2. Scope out a route of attack While presumably you haven't chosen anywhere you couldn't walk in the front door of unchecked (that would be *illegal*, now wouldn't it?), a lot of potential locations (state and/or federal buildings, various institutions, professional schools) have multiple exits and entrances that will serve to highten your enjoyment of the moment. And, as an added bonus, you'll probably get a few thumbs-up signs when you climb out of the third floor air duct! 3. Gather together your gear Options include all-black clothing, flashlights, rope, etc. You may decide you'd rather blend in and take your prey by surprise. We do suggest, however, that you carry some form of self defense (a lead pipe is always effective) on your person at all times. Entirely NOT OPTIONAL is propaganda. Bring lots. There's work to be done. 4. Cue up "Mission: Impossible" THIS IS CRUCIAL. 5. Infiltrate Fairly self-explainatory, don't you think? 6. Do your damage After spending some time skulking around the outskirts of the lobby, we took a B-school student hostage, replacing his Adam Smith with a book of feminist essays, tearing his tweed coat from his back and dressing him in plaid flannel...in addition to taking the liberty of depositing the Marx-Engels Reader in as many student mail boxes as possible. Since this step is very specific to the place and goal of your mission, you may have to figure this one out on your own. 7. Report back, soldier Make sure to check out the web page on this one...WE HAVE FOOTAGE!! That's right - we extensively documented our lively little frolick on 35mm film...enjoy, Enjoy! http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/main.html ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- And now, a hopeful look into the future... *** So you thought the Web would be different than real life, did you? You thought that you stood a chance - maybe, if you were good - to be known, to be somebody. You thought that with raw talent and a driving ambition, you could march into the great wide Web and *accomplish* something? And you thought this while working your day-job at McDonald's? Ha! If all you've managed to do with your pathetic, squirming little real-world existence is eke out a living at some fetid hash-house - or as some grunt coder in cube hell, like me - then you sure ain't gonna get any farther than that on the Web. Because they're run by the same Rule, you monkey. *Exactly* the same Rule. This whole Web thing is just as incestuous and crony-driven as real life. Don't kid yourself. There is one Rule, and one Rule only: 1. Who you know. Somehow I suspect that doesn't work in your favor. And if you haven't gotten the hang of that little gem in the real world, then you're going to get just about as far on the Web. You've got a home page? Great! But you're still the McDonald's fry-guy. And, likely, that's all you'll ever be. Hits are what count, m'boy. They're the currency of the Web, the high-tech penis-inches in the WWW locker room, and you don't get the hits without links, and you don't get the links without knowing somebody. What? You think people are going to link to your page because they like it? People who matter, anyway? Go back and read the Rule again. Two years ago I began mailing out stories to a small group of friends. One of them collected the stories and slapped together a Web page, and called it An Entirely Other Site. My friends have entirely too much free time. The page languished. A few hits a day, max. And half of those were from me poking around. I suspect the other half were from the guy who created the site. Then, out of nowhere, my page gets a mention in an up-and-coming on-line 'zine. Bang! The hits jumped. Then it gets listed as the "most entertaining" site on the Web in a prominent national magazine. Bang again! The hits bounded. And early next year it will be featured in one of those how-to computer books from a big publisher. Bang bang bang! I expect another increase. All told, the site is now running at roughly 5,000% of what it was before all this started. Nothing significant in the world of the big boys, yeah, but a lot better than most self-indulgent look- at-me pages. And it's a truer count since I've stopped looking at the damned thing - the writing's kinda dull. A fairy tale, you say. A miracle. A beacon to every other hash- and/or code-slinger out there who wants to get known, to become someone. A testament to the democratic power of the Web. It must mean something if I can up my hit-rate 5,000% just based on my talent, just based on the sheer brilliance of my writing. It's good, you say, that quality gets found. Except that it's all a crock. Those wonderful references were all from people I know. Friends of mine. Go back and re-read the Rule again. One of the editorial cheeky chums at _Suck_ knows the guy who maintains the site - a friend of a friend. The person who created the "most entertaining" list for Infoworld is an old buddy of mine - I sleep on her sofa when I visit. And the book author is somebody I've known from eons ago. He recognized my name, so he threw it in. He could have used any other site on the Web, but he's using mine. Because he knows me. That's it. Nothing magical, nothing special. Nothing, even, about the site itself beyond, maybe, a few one-liners and the requisite self-importance needed to think that an archive of my writing has any place on the Web. It all comes down to who I had the good fortune of meeting years ago, who I spent time with in college - who I know, and who the people I know know. That's The Rule; it's the way the world works. I got my job that way, I got my car that way, and I'm getting many more hits than I rightfully deserve that way. My page isn't better than yours, my life isn't more interesting. You just don't have my friends, and they'd rather be nice to me than to you. Ha ha ha. And I get free movie tickets from a guy at Paramount, too. Stolen from: An Entirely Other Greg, greg@www.suck.com (http://www.etext.org/Zines/EOD/) ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Help Wanted 4020 KENNEDYS WANTED Are you part of America's royal family? Have you ever felt like you wanted to play-act at being an average citizen-type-person? Do you think you have what it takes to succeed to today's high-pressured job market? Feel like you need a multi-million dollar venture and the lives of thousands of people to amuse you for awhile? THEN YOU COULD BE JUST WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR!! Utopia Parkway, the online magazine favored by 3 out of 4 of its subscribers, seeks to hire a member of the Kennedy family. Hey, "George" has one, the Senate has one, David has one - the Press has *several*, damnit - we think we deserve a token Kennedy of our very own now that we've hit the Big Time [tm]. [snork, snork -ed.] Please send references and medically verifiable blood sample to Utopia Parkway, $1000 Raquet Club Drive, L.A. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Utopia Parkway's *Performance Arts and Crafts* Dealing with *any* government office can be a harrowing and frustrating experience; indeed, popular urban folklore even holds that Dante's 5th ring of hell is actually a DMV office. So, suffice it to say that, while we personally were inspired by our recent experiences with the offices of Copyrights, Patents and Trademarks, we think this is a perfectly lovely exercise for whenever it feels right to you, whether it be at the end of a long day and a long line at the offices of the IRS, in the metaphorical lobby of your senator, or while some member of local government gives the Commencement Address at your younger brother's graduation. Utopia Parkway, let it be duly noted, advocates Artistic Protest. Tired of all the red tape? Let us suggest a samba - glide right under and step two three four... Hot air got you down? Swathe yourself in black, why don't you? String chains of in-no-way-related words together and mumble them at great volume and speed - and do it in the lobby of your government office of choice... Here's what we figure: complaining doesn't get you very far. Protesting just gets people pissed at you. BUT. Free Expression inspires - At the Very Least - bewilderment. And then you've got their attention. Dance! Cavort! Assault! Make that marble lobby your own! Sing! Rejoice! Interact! Hurl standard kitchen implements! IT'S ART, DAMNITALL! And as they drag you off, we find screaming "I'm Just Practicing My Constitutional Rights To Freedom of Expression!!! You Can't Keep Me Down, Man - I've Got Thomas Jefferson On My Side!!!" is highly therapeutic, if totally ineffective. Check out our joyful fandango at http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/submain2.html ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *Miss UP Puts On a Pot of Coffee* Miss UP, former beauty queen and advice columnist extraordinaire, spent most of the holidays visiting her sister (who, incidentally, was crowned Miss Triborough a scant two years after Miss UP's reign) in Florida, and was unable to send us her words o' wisdom. She's back, however, tanned and revived (not to mention grateful to have missed New York's storms of Satan) and ready to dive, acrylic nails first, into the bag of mail (or file of email as the case may be, and, to be honest, is) that awaits her. It's not too late to share in the beauty! Miss UP is waiting to answer your questions on life, love and Miracle Whip! And hey, let's be honest - what fancy-schmancy diploma could hold a candle to decades of experience in Queens, NY? So lay your head on her shoulder, your troubles on her back, her napkin on your lap, pull up a chair and talk. Miss UP got in touch before she left, by the way, to let us know that last issue's distraught soul had written to let her know that he has since gained use of most of his fingers and has already sent a deposit into the local manicure program; "Finally," he wrote, "I have found peace. Thank you, Miss UP - I am so happy." Godspeed, gentle stranger. Miss UP can be reached at missup@macatawa.org! ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- The Utopia Parkway Diner *A Moveable Feast* This has got to be our easiest recipe yet. It may take a little more long-term preparation than the rest but ultimately the payoff is one of the easist, most well prepared meals you could ever hope for. This month, Utopia Parkway brings you the Sell Out Power Lunch. 1. Preheat universe to 350 degrees 2. Create a desireable commodity, be it clothing substance, polyuratriptomatic organizer, knick-knack, brick-a-brac, chock-a-block, razmataz, or...oh...a netzine. 3. Act/look/emote in such a way that broadcasts the message "I am innocent and principled, yet highly corruptable" loud and clear to the entertainment/art/media/etc. world. Note: the following three steps should be done in conjunction, the first two as covertly as possible. 4. Sell out. 5. Do it in style, and enjoy every single minute of it. *6. Before you put pen to contract, GET TAKEN OUT TO LUNCH. As many times as possible. Alternate between restaurants you like, and the most expensive restaurants you can find. Order up. Fast, Easy, Inexpensive, And No Messy Clean-Up... Once again, there's incriminating footage to be seen: http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/diner.html ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- This issue of _Utopia Parkway_ has been brought to you by the Icy Cool Flavor, Icy Cool Breath of the U.S. Department of Commerce Patent & Trademark Office Registering Trademarks Since Before You Were a Peasquod (and without whom we would not have had an issue...) ------UP---------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?------