Volume 1, Issue 5 September 13th, 1995 _____________________ | ------------------- | Conceived, created, and birthed by: || || Francesca Parker || UTOPIA || (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kari Bauer || PARKWAY[tm] || (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kate Pickering | ------------------- | (kate@snafu.mit.edu) --------------------- | | | | Contents: | | | | | | | | o Despots' Log . . . . o It's Raining Slurpees: Unsolicited . . . . Submissions From the Other Side Violators of o interview with Utterly Peerless folks Copyright Laws in Every Nation o Utopia Parkway Laboratory: Their Only and State Crime Was Being Born Delicious o Royal Ramen o The Snapple Commercial You'll Never See: brought to you by the Utopia Parkway Diner *GOING 90 ACROSS THE BORDER BETWEEN GENIUS AND MADNESS* ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- DESPOTS' LOG Volume 1 Issue 5 Well, howdy! Welcome to our Back-to-School, a.k.a. Swimsuit issue. 'Cause you know what? WE'RE STILL ON VACATION!!! Yes, the school responsible for the first self-sustained nuclear reaction is also on the quarter system which means...we got another three weeks. Awww, quit yer whining - as many of you signed off the 'net for the summer, we were still taking midterms...so we're even. Two disturbing trends have come to our attention in putting together this issue. (1) There are a number of Events Involving Food. In fact, the vast majority of this issue involves food. And yet, there is still only one Diner section. Spooky. (2) The phrase "We can't quite explain" comes up numerous times. Usually in reference to food. Which is not that strange when you consider the ambiguous situation food is frequently placed in under the dim street lamps of Utopia Parkway. (Of course, it just may be that, in a piece of documentation dealing with the student experience, there is nothing more appropriate than a dearth of understanding and ambiguous food. ) We hope this issue is as confusing for you as it was for us, based as it is on the unresolvable dichotomy of the Kmart Back-To-School sale and the lazy days of summer (a symbiotic relationship in which neither is truly defined without the other, no doubt, but a dichotomy nonetheless. Which is to say, we can dig it.) A little confusion is good for the soul. Many thanks to the guest writers who helped us fatten up the issue (allowing us to catch some of those golden September rays as we lounged by our respective pools)...and Mother Parker for some creative consultation on the copyright-infringement-elusion portion of the show. Whooee, do we live on the edge or *what*? Sooooo, until we're back on location next issue (whoo-hoo!), hang 10 and all that jazz... Franny, Kari & Kate ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Every once in a while we are the lucky recipients of More-Than-Mail notes from youse guys. Apparently enthusiasm that spurred the burst of energy that swallowed the fly that started the email that lived in the house that jack built, evolves, metamorphosizes, grows unchecked into a poem, a short story, a fugue. And, frankly, you and your fertile minds make our day. If you're a faithful peruser of reader mail at the web site, you've seen a few examples. But they ain't got nothin' on the strange happenings of this month. Within the short space of a few days, we found in our mailbox two, count 'em two, not one but two...dare we call them submissions?...about slurpees. Both of them. Two essayettes (if we may be permitted to coin the phrase) about that icey drink from the heartland of America. Very eerie. Spine-tingling. In a rather pleasant way. Certainly a pleasure we couldn't deny a greater audience. So, with no further ado, we submit for your approval (but refrain from attempts to explain)... * * * * * ***_THE SLURPEE ZONE_*** * * * * * Submitted by Eric Rice : I had the ideal form of the slurpee two days ago. My brother and I were on our way back home from the video arcade where we had just finished jacking up our nervous systems with some controlled doses of Killer Instinct. As we are wont to do, we decided to stop at the 7-11 on the way home and pick up a couple of slurpees. Nothing washes down that video game adreneline quite like the "juice." But little did we know that we were about to experience the greatest slurpees 7-11 has ever manufactured. We filled our cups as usual with wild cherry flavor, of course. We paid the pimple-faced attendant and out the door to the car. Half-way home, I turn to my brother and say, "Fuckin' A. This is the best damn slurpee I've ever had." "No shit dude," came his natural reply. "When the genius who invented the slurpee brought the slurpee before the board of directors at 7-11. This is what the slurpees were like." I continued. "No shit. Do you think that the same guy who invented the slurpee also invented the slurpee spoon-straw? Or do you think it was some child genius who thought it up?" As we contemplated this question we became more and more overwhelmed by the perfection of the slurpees we were consuming. They were in that perfect stasis between ice and liquid. The ideal toward which every slurpee machine strives for once had been achieved. It was thick, but never got clogged in the straw. The syrup flavored every last bit of ice, never separating into that runny puddle of red at the bottom of the cup. No two slurpees before and no two slurpees ever again will achieve this level of perfection. We had achieved slurpee nirvana. Psychic bliss. **** Offered up by stjohn@scsn.net (Stuart Johnson): Well, here I am, writing a piece for the great Net 'Zine, Utopia Parkway. I honestly have no idea why I'm writing this, except that... it tastes good. Not the article, what's IN the article. I'm sure you've all had something commonly known as a Slurpee (tm), Slush Puppy (tm), or, on the Simpsons (c) as a Squishee (tm). If you haven't, go have one. Or follow the cheap -n- easy instructions below. Well, I stumbled across a way to make your own Slurpee (tm), Slush Puppy (tm), or Squishee (tm). It actually started at about 10 AM on August 13. I wanted a COLD Pepsi to go with my three Border Lite Bean Burritos for breakfast. Well, as it turns out, all I had was WARM Pepsi. ROOM TEMPERATURE Pepsi. Uck. So, what's to do? Obviously, put a can of Pepsi in the ice maker's ice cube repository thing. Well, I forgot about it. It's now about 2 PM on August 13. I remembered it. When I popped open the top it started fizzing and spurting like Mount Vesuvius, except killing less people and covering less cities with ten feet of ash. It just kind of dribbled on the counter, actually. This stopped about a minute later. I tried AGAIN to open the top, but it wouldn't. Sigh. I was about to chuck the Pepsi but I remembered... WE HAVE A CAN OPENER! A few twists of the hand crank later, I had the lid off of the can. This was great! I had a little bit of ice crystals at the top, kinda like snow. Take a spoon, or a spork if you prefer, and eat that off. Mmmm. Well, after getting through about the top half-inch, it was... GOOD! Like REALLY COLD PEPSI! Kind of... STIFF Pepsi. It was truly a great experience. Now, I'll leave this as an exercise to the reader. Find out if ALL carbonated drinks do this. I'm already trying Diet Coke, Diet Dr. Pepper, and Coke Classic. So you can't do those. In particular, I'd like to know if Hawaiian Punch, root beer, cream soda, that Life Savers drink, and Mello Yello do the same thing. This kind of reminds me of a thing one of my physics teachers used to do. I don't think it was an experiment or anything, I think he just thought it was fun. He'd get some shaving cream in an aerosol can, and dunk the thing in liquid nitrogen for a minute or so. He'd take it out with some tongs, and somehow cut off the metal case. He'd be left with this wonderful cylinder of shaving cream... WITH THE AEROSOL GAS TRAPPED INSIDE IT. As this heats up, it expands. A LOT. He once froze a couple dozen of these and put them inside a colleague's trunk on a hot summer day. It, of course, pressurized the trunk, as well as filling it with lemon-scented shaving cream. Wow. When he popped open his trunk, it went POOF and a bunch of shaving cream came out. I wish I was there. Eventually he couldn't stand the lemon smell so he sold his car. Wimp. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed reading my undoubtedly Pulitzer-Prize-Winning article for Utopia Parkway. Happy drink-freezing, everyone! ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Interview *Under no Pretention* We know what you're thinking. No, really we do. That Psychic Network correspondence course totally paid off. So we know you're wondering when there's going to be another interview with really fun, interesting, vivacious people. You'll be delighted to hear you need wait no longer. This month, we interview us. Franny: So...Kari....what'cha been doing today? Kari: Oh, nothing. I petted some rats. Kate? You up to anything interesting? Kate: Ummm....nope. Franny: Oh, come on - *some*thing amusing must have happened to you today. Kate: Well...it kinda depends on how you're defining "today" - like, do you mean "day" *literally* - if so, I spent today, as in the generally defined time when the sun is up, sleeping. Which is amusing enough under certain circumstances. But if you mean my interim definition of "day" - that is, my waking hours, well, the only thing I was "up to" is my ears in foam. The only saving grace is that they're jeeps - if I was making yuppie-mobiles, blood would have been shed by now. Besides my own, that is.. Kari: What about you, Franny? Franny: It would be hard to top the rat petting story. Kari: Try. Franny: I sit and stare at a phone and they pay me and I go home. Kate: So, wait - recap for me - what have you been doing? Franny: Not a whole lot. Kari? Kari: No, can't say I've been too busy. You know, vacation. Franny: Yeah...it's nice and...relaxing...now that everyone else is...back....at.....their....normal....schools....and....we're..... left....behind.... Kate: Yeah. Vacation. Franny: Gotta love it. Kari: Do we? Kate: Sure....we have time to ourselves, no 10-page papers due at 8am tomorrow, no below-freezing weather, just beautiful R&R. We have email, friends, family....all we need is....school. Franny: But we're *not* nerds... Kari: Oh, nonononononono.... Kate: And ramen. We need ramen, made as only it can be smashed into a mug with not-quite-hot-enough-water from the hot water spigot. Kari: Yes. And ramen. Are we talking to ourselves again? The doctors warned us about that... ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Utopia Parkway Laboratory *The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project* or, Two Young Men Sacrifice Their Academic Careers So We Can All Sleep Better At Night. What kind of...er....Whatever-We-Ares would we be if we didn't provide a little educational reading now and then (or was that "documentation of flagrant abuse of innocent sponge cake"?)? Well, *no* kind of Whatever-We-Ares is the answer. So we're delighted beyond the doubt of a shadow to introduce a feature with that distinctive Science Is Fun feel to it. And even more delighted to have found an experiement that involves processed food... What is the significance of "twinkie," beyond it's obvious implications as one of our modern world's foremost artificial, prepackaged, ready-made foods? Well, it also stands for Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations. Down at Rice University, a couple of blossoming scholars named Chris and Todd were fed up with lying awake until the wee hours of the morning wondering and worrying about the essence of the Twinkie. So did they whine and complain? No - they found a way to alleviate the excitement, the half-dread, the unsettling thrill that invariably accompanies twinkie contemplation. "T.W.I.N.K.I.E is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie." Men after our own heart. (own hearts? errr....let's not think about it.) Clearly a necessary inclusion. Since we could never hope to explain it better, we bring you without further ado, the words of Chris and Todd, passed down through the generations: "*Background Information* The Twinkies used for these tests were bought at the Fiesta Store on Main St. They were purchased April 29. A total of 20 twinkies (2 boxes of 10) were purchased, all with expiration dates of May 10th, and both boxes were from lot 517/116, 0506. Each test consisted of two Twinkies. One Twinkie acted as the control, and was not touched during the course of the experiment. The other Twinkie was subjected to various stimuli and its reactions recorded, photographed, and placed on this home page. After each test, the control Twinkie was consumed to ensure that it would not be inadvertantly used in in another experiment. For the remainder of this document, a "standard" Twinkie shall be understood to mean "a "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling" created by the Hostess Company, baked by Continental Baking Co, and marketed under the brand name "Twinkie", produced in lot 517/117 0506 with an expiration date of May 10th, and containing enriched flour (niacin, iron (ferrous sulfate), thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin), water, sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated vegetable and/or animal shortening (contains one or more of: canola oil, corn oil, cottonseed oil, soybean oil, beef fat), eggs, and dextrose, and also containing no more than 2% of modified food starch, whey, leavenings (sodium acid pyrophosphate, baking soda, monocalcium phosphate), salt, starch, yellow corn flour, corn syrup solids, mono and diglycerides, dextrin, calcium, caseinate, sodium stearoyl, lactylate, cellulose gum, polysorbate 60, wheat gluten, lecithin, flavors (artificial, natural), artifical colors (yellow 5, red 40), caramel color, preservatives (sorbic acid)." So now that we've established our terms, like the good little jr. scientists that we all are deep down inside, let's move onto the action. Chris and Todd did seven tests in all, which we sincerely hope you'll devote your full attention to at some point (on the WWW, at http://www.rice.edu/~gouge/twinkies.html) - especially the Turing Test. But, to whet your appetite without causing your eyeballs to fall out of your head, we're enclosing one here. "*Gravitational Response Test* TEST INFORMATION: Test Subject: Standard Twinkie Control Subject: Standard Twinkie Test Location: 1st & 6th floor, Lovett College, Rice University Start Time: Monday, May 1, 1995 14:21 Stop Time: Monday, May 1, 1995 14:37 Test Description: To test the gravitational response of a Twinkie, one Twinkie was taken to the 6th floor of Lovett and released over the edge. This process was repeated twice on the same Twinkie. OBSERVATIONS: Before Test: Before the test, both the control and the expirimental Twinkies appeared within the range that would be described as a "normal" Twinkie. It should be noted that there was a high wind during the test. Immediate Results: As soon as the Twinkie was released, it began to fall. It fell until it hit the ground. Upon impact, there was a loud "splut" sound. A small crack opened on one side of the Twinkie. There was no noticeable change in the control. The twinkie was then dropped again. The same "splut" sound was heard on impact. The fissure in the side of the Twinkie widened. Again, there was no noticable change in the control. Long Term Results: The twinkie was observed for a period of time after impact. There was no additional change in the expirimental Twinkie or the control twinkie once impact had occurred. CONCLUSIONS: Twinkies are affected by gravity. However, their reaction upon impact is much less than expected, and they maintain a good deal of structural integrity from such a lofty fall. POSSIBLE APPLICATIONS: If one needed to jump off of the sixth floor of Lovett and land safely, one could either pad the ground or one's self with Twinkies, which although they would not probably survive the fall, they would break your fall so that you could escape unharmed. Note: we have not experimentally verified this application, and do not suggest you do so either. In the event you do not heed our warning, however, could you tell us how it went? Thanks." DISCLAIMER: To the knowledge of the Parkway Utopians involved in bringing this mad bit of science to a larger - okay, an *other* - audience, all twinkies were treated with the upmost attention to their comfort as was possible within the bounds of the given experiements. If you're still concerned, go read the Turing Test. Now, go, Go, GO to the official T.W.I.N.K.I.E page!!! Todd even wrote haikus about the whole, mystic experience...now, come on. If you can pass up haikus about earnest experimentation on durable snack food...well...then you, more than anyone, need to set a twinkie on fire and observe. http://www.rice.edu/~gouge/twinkies.html ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *Ramen - Prince Among Foodstuffs* A few weeks ago, one of our party who shall remain nameless came across the following book in (of all places) a bookstore: "1,001 Ramen Recipes." Well, we don't have to tell you that the speed which with this tome was snatched off the shelf sent old ladies flying three aisles down. Sadly, and much, *much* more disturbingly, the book was quite earnest - 1,001 meals for the single human on a budget, using ramen noodles. Oh, my. Well, amusement deferred, we became quite convinced we could do better. We've puzzled. 'Til our puzzlers were sore. But then we took a nice warm herbal bath, which loosened our puzzlers right up...oh. Sorry. What was all this puzzling about, you puzzler..er..ask? Well, we pondered what exactly the Ramen Portion of the Show *was* - recipe? craft? experiment? snappy show tune? most likely all of the above, a thought more frightening than we dared expose ourselves to. So, in what has become a grand tradition this issue, we will NOT, I repeat NOT be attempting a definition. Dip a toe in, test the waters yourself..no, No, NO!! The *article*, not the *ramen* - cut it out!! That's illegal in some states... Some suggestions as to the many utilities of this ordinary economy household noodle product: * Use it dry as a topping for salads, tacos and sundaes! * Pull out your favorite sandwich fixings, place between two uncooked ramen biscuits, and bite into a *real* manwich! * Broken into pieces, ramen makes an excellent breakfast cereal! * Pour cooked ramen into cake pans or jello molds for a birthday cake they'll *never* forget! (just add powder to vanilla frosting for that extra oomph!) * Substitute ramen rafts for waffles and pancakes - tastes great with syrup! And how about *Belgian* ramen? * Crumble into your birdfeeder the next time the birdies "just sound a little down" - you'll be amazed at the reaction! (and so begins the slippery slide into ambiguous intent) * The fragility of cooked ramen is only an illusion - knitting, macrime, needlepoint, crochet work are all possible with a little bit of patience and a gentle touch. We have a family afghan made entirely of ramen that's been hanging in the hallway for *decades*. And what an original heirloom! * Create jewelry for the whole family! (liberal varnishing is kosher) * Tanned ramen can be fashioned into belts, bags and sandles! * Replaces climbing rope, floatation devices and the securing framework of most major buildings - in a flash, and at a fraction of the cost! (Braid ramen for additional safety.) * Did somebody say "Original Dress for the Oscars"? Go crazy (if you haven't already)! Use your imagination! Get creative! Refrain from calling the sanitarium on us! Decide not to press charges! And watch for our "Ramenator 2000" infomercial coming to an off-hours channell near *you*! Next month: The Flavor Packet! (The most obvious tie-in here would be a suggestion to try the daquiri recipe which follows, with the broth. But even *we* wouldn't stoop to that.) ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- The Utopia Parkway Diner *The Sppackle Daquiri* Like many recipes doomed...er...destined, that is, to be classics, this one started off as a mistake, a culinary misstep turned to our advantage. Simply put, we left a couple of bottles of Sppackle in the freezer too long (knowing that they wouldn't cool off any faster, but still hoping they might, and then promptly forgetting about them) and they magically became the fruity beverages of which any self-respecting paradise is made. Ingredients: * as many bottles of Sppackle as you have fingers. (that's hardly fair to any self-respecting drunk, but then again, no self-respecting drunk would be caught unconscious with one of these babies.) We recommend that the flavors you choose be of the tropical ilk (though what you do with your iced teas is your business, today and everyday) - some of our favorites include Bongo Badness, Highball Blast and Strawbeer Leperade. * Bacardi Light Rum....to taste. * paper umbrellas (optional) [ed.'s note: the paper umbrellas are *not* optional.] * colorful fruit of various sizes, an "Elvis in Hawaii" album, an obscenely large and stupid coctail glass, mood lighting and a woman in the next room screaming "is it ready yet?!" [we hire out. -ed.] Put Sppackle in freezer. Leave for...awhile. Hey, man, this is our *vacation* - it's not like we had time to work this out to a science...you gotta get a feelin' about the Sppackle, that's all. Tune into it. Keep your eye on it, because you don't want that collectible glass bottle to explode, but don't keep your eye *directly* on it, because then it'll freeze to the metal lid, and, trust us, that's messy. H'okay!! On with the show. You want to let the liquid freeze to a harder form than the actual daquiri will eventually take - but not solid. Then remove and place in refrigerator. Periodically "test the Sppackles," so to speak, by prodding lovingly with a knife or other appropriate utensil [this category does *not* include ramen. -ed.], breaking up any icey center, until the bottle is filled with slushy, fruity, artificial goodness. Pour slushy Sppackle into obscenely large and stupid coctail glass. Add Bacardi's (a good rule of thumb is "keep pouring until the rum starts to change the color of the mixer.") Add (optional) [*not*-optional. -ed.] paper umbrella. Put on Elvis. Kill woman. Kick 'er back. "I think it's great, I think it's great, I think it's great, I think it's Spppaaaakkklee.." ------UP-----------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?----