Volume 1, Issue 4 August 2nd, 1995 _____________________ | ------------------- | Conceived, created, and birthed by: || || Francesca Parker || UTOPIA || (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kari Bauer || PARKWAY[tm] || (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kate Pickering | ------------------- | (kate@snafu.mit.edu) --------------------- | | | | Contents: | | | | | | | | o Despots' Log . . . . o Think Pink, or _What We Can Do . . . . About Communism_ o And now, a word from our sponsor.. Violators of o Anti-Sorbet Copyright Laws (excerpts from _America_) in Every Nation o Activities for the *Really* and State Easily Amused o Ed's Exposed! (in public, yet) o Utopia Parkway Diner: Pull Up the TV Trays, Kids! *PLEASE BRING GRATUITOUS WEIRDNESS TO THE SERVICE ENTRANCE* ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- DESPOTS' LOG: Volume 1 Issue 4 Welcome to our Double-Dipped Issue, riding that fine line between July and August. If you've made it over to the web page, you know that we had an unfortunate accident with the computer and a wash basin full of sepia toner.. hopefully we can get that cleared up before the next issue, and for now we suggest keeping a box of tissues by your monitor in case we haven't fully dried out yet. NO HAIRDRYERS NO HAIRDRYERS!! soooooOOOOOOO.. Nostalgia. It's that warming remembrance of yesteryear. It takes many forms. It's the motivation to hunt out the toys of a certain era, the keepsakes of an event in the past, a world series, perhaps, or an expo. It's the feeling you get upon spying Fruit Stripe gum for the first time in years, on feeling your hands turn over a Magic 8 Ball in search of The Truth. Many of the elderly in the former Soviet Union feel nostalgic for Stalin. And surely we've all felt nostalgic for last night - when you still had two nights to finish that paper, instead of only one. Or the previous evening, before you decided "oh, just one more can't hurt me!" Webster's defines it as "a longing, usually sentimental, to experience again some real or imagined former pleasure." Wait a minute...you mean we can remember things that never actually occured? We can tailor our past? Make things we wish had happened to us *realities* of the good 'ol days (if only at some terribly weak level)? WHOO-HOO!!! Gee, I remember when I won the lottery that time. Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Ooooooo - remember all the cars we bought, with Shell Station drink holders pre-installed? And the optional slurpee dispenser...mmmm. Oh, yeah - and we went to the moon to celebrate. The earth looked so pretty. Or wait, was it the sun? No, that was Christmas vacation (always nice to head somewhere warm). Hey! Remember how we were Nixon? We better stop before we get carried away. As a generalization, it would be fair to say that we define it as cheese. You may become increasingly aware of this over the course of the issue. Lovely technicolor hors d'oevre sculptures, thrilling exhortations to be wary of the Communist around every corner, fascinating evidence of American innocence...*giggle*. (Be wary of the *American* around every corner, more like...) So, we hope you'll enjoy the journey. Pull up a bean bag, kick off your wingtips, and join us for a round of Sputnik tea. If anything hits so close to home as to become quite literally *un*funny, we apologize. Memories can be painful, but it just might be that now is the *time* to *sort* *through* the wreckage of your past..you'll be getting our bill in the mail... Oh, and in case you were wondering - of *course* we weren't born yet. Franny, Kari & Kate ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *INFILTRATION* (or, What You Can Do About Crackpots) The other day we spent the lunch hour (so generously given us by The State) to exploit our own, unalienated labor power in wandering about one of the delightful used book co-operatives here in Chicago. Imagine our horror upon coming across a book entitled _What We Can Do About Communism_ with the back cover blaring: "The Red flag of Communism will fly over the whole world, including the United States, by the year 1973! The above is the claim of Communist leaders. It is an awesome and sobering prophecy. WILL IT COME TRUE? YES...UNLESS something happens between now and then." We quickly flipped open the volume with what might be described as almost historical inevitablility. What could *we*, mere pawns in the global chess game, possibly do to prevent the insidious Communists from taking over? Our minds open and empty, warm wax waiting to be imprinted by the first objects to come in contact with it, we read on. "Communism is an all-out effort to conquer the world, by peaceful means if possible, but by military power if necessary. It is a universal, fanatical, determined offensive knowing no limits as to nationality, race, color or creed. 1. BIOLOGICALLY a Communist is an animal without a soul who *comes* by naturalistic evolution and *goes* by annihilation. 2. POLITICALLY a Communist is one who believes that the *State* is supreme - ultimate - all powerful - and that the *individual* exists only for the welfare of the State, thus destroying the God-given status of the dignity, value and importance of each person. 3. ECONOMICALLY a Communist advocates the replacement of private property in land and capital by common ownership, and the replacement of private management by collective administration. 4. SOCIALLY a Communist does not believe in marriage as an institution of God but merely as a convenient biological arrangement to produce heirs for the Communist State. 5. INTERNATIONALLY a Communist is a revolutionist who is behind most of the unrest in the world. 6. PSYCHOLOGICALLY a Communist is one who denies any innate entity called the "self." The "mind" is merely an epiphenomenon of the body. 7. ETHICALLY a Communist does not believe in universal standards of right or wrong and does not believe that there are innate compunctions of good and bad. There is no ultimate realm of Truth. Truth is that which is beneficial to the Communist State. 8. THEOLOGICALLY a Communist is an atheist, a destroyer of churches and a murderer of Christians and other believers." These sound like *Really* *Bad* *Men*. But why should *we* be worried about a bunch of Reds going to Hell? Dr. Russell V. DeLong can always be counted on for an answer: "THE AIMS AND TECHNIQUES OF COMMUNISM As indicated elsewhere, the goal of Communist leaders, *quantitatively*, is the conquest of the entire world. *Qualitatively*, the Communist objective is to create a New World, inhabited by new people, living in a completely new economy where crime, war, oppression will be entirely abolished because everyone will be happy to produce unselfishly according to his ability and receive according to his need. [the bastards. -ed.] TECHNIQUES: 1. Mass Agitation 2. Creating Communist Fronts 3. Train Persons For Membership in the Communist Party 4. To Secure Young People for the Young Communist League 5. Fellow Travellers 6. Pink Liberals. 7. Underground 8. Infiltration and Colonization 9. Sabotage (This method is diabolical and disabling.)" Talk to us, Dr. Russell V. DeLong! Historically material, we flipped to the back. How can we mobilize our strength to overthrow this Enemy of the State?! "IF IT IS NOT ALREADY TOO LATE we must (1) awaken (2) arouse ourselves and (3) act. You ask: WHAT CAN WE DO? 1. BE STRONG. We must be strong *militarily*. We must be strong *economically*: both Capital and Labor must submerge their selfish desires for the good of the whole. If we fight each other we shall be liquidated together. We must be strong *morally*: it is imperative that we clean up the movies, tone up T.V. shows, taboo filthy books and consign pornographic literature to hell, where it belongs. [Hallelujah! -ed.] Finally, we must be strong, *spiritually*. Weakness invites aggression. LET'S BE STRONG! 2. BE INFORMED Ignorance breeds disaster. We must know our condition. We must know our enemy. To know is to be aware - to be aware is to prepare - and to prepare is to win. 3. BE WISE Don't be *naive*. Don't be *stupid*. Don't be an *appeaser*. Don't be enchanted by the utopian [ -ed.] bait of the Communist propagandist. Beneath the bait is a terrible hook. You'll be caught, skinned and quartered when it'll be too late. Consider this parable - suppose I am engaged in a formal debate with a Communist. At the height of his oration he turns to me and asks: "What's wrong with free education? What's wrong with full employment? With old age benefits? With free hospitals? With free doctors? With cultural activites? Atheletic contests? Free libraries?" RVD answers - "Nothing. They are all good. In fact, we have several communities in the United States which have all those things. One of them, in Ohio, has grown to a population of over 5,000." COMMUNIST - "You do have such a place? Tell me about it." RVD - "Yes. It has full employment. It has education for all. It has free medicine, free doctors, and modern, free hospitals. It takes good care of all its aged. It sponsors a cultural program. It provides recreational programs." COMMUNIST - "Wonderful. Is it growing?" RVD - "Yes - it is." COMMUNIST - "That's what I thought. That's what the proletariat want. How does it grow?" RVD - "Oh, people from the outside come and join the community." COMMUNIST - "Sure, why not? Those benefits would attract anybody." RVD - "Oh no. Nobody *chooses* to join this ideal community." COMMUNIST - "Why not?" RVD - "It's the OHIO STATE PENITENTIARY." The inhabitants have everything but FREEDOM. 4. BE UNITED 5. BE ETHICAL 6. BE COURAGEOUS 7. BE ON THE OFFENSIVE TRUTH AND ZEAL The Western World today has TRUTH but little PASSION. The Communist World today has PASSION but little TRUTH. Which is more dangerous? The Communists are impassioned with error and are determined to enslave the world. HALF-COMMITTED AMERICANS WILL NEVER TRIUMPH OVER FULLY-COMMITTED COMMUNISTS. We need to renew our vows. We need to reaffirm our faith. We need to recommit our selves. We may have faith that God will help us if we merit His help. Let us give ourselves to Him so completely that we may expect Him to give Himself to us victoriously. We renew our vows and implore Thee to help us in the resistance to atheistic and wicked enemies. Amen." We breathe a sigh of relief - luckily, we're *completely* committed... and since our day passes are about to expire, we head for home. You know, it may be just the undermined morals of our youthful selves, but we may have to save our kopeks for the pornography on this one. I mean, jeez. There weren't even any super-charged nuclear pinatas. [for further communist activities, there will be a dark man in a brown trench coat at the train station, track 12. code word: http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpickers/commies.html] ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- This issue of _Utopia Parkway_ has been brought to you by the pure, unadulterated, wholesome sauerkraut tangy juice taste of *Frank's Quality Kraut Juice* Frank's Quality Kraut Juice is a truly distinctive appetizing start for any meal. At breakfast time, luncheon or dinner. As a refreshing treat at bedtime. Just chill well. Serve icy cold. Frank's Quality Kraut Juice also helps you perk up and combat that logy feeling after overindulging. That's why Frank's Quality Kraut Juice is not only a tempting appetizer, not only a flavorful beverage with a distinctive personality, but also just naturally good. packed by the Fremont Company, Fremont, Ohio. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- Anti-Sorbet "Utopia Achieved" (excerpts from "America," by Jean Baudrillard) "America is neither dream nor reality. It is hyperreality. It is a hyperreality because it is a utopia which has behaved from the very beginning as though it were already achieved. Everything here is real and pragmatic, and yet it is all the stuff of dreams too.(28) "The microwave, the waste disposal, the orgasmic elasticity of the carpets: this soft, resort-style civilization irresistibly evokes the end of the world.(31) "A primitive society: the same motor identification, the same collective phantasy of an unfolding ritual - breakfast, movie, religious service, love and death - the whole of life as a drive-in. Truly magnificent. (66) "Octavio Paz is right when he argues that America was created in the hope of escaping from history, of building a utopia sheltered from history, and that it has in part succeeded in that project, a project it is still pursuing today.(80) "And yet the idea of an achieved utopia is a paradoxical one. If it is negativity, irony, and the sublime that govern European thinking, it is paradox which dominates that of America, the paradoxical humour of an achieved materiality, of an ever renewed self-evidence, of a bright new faith in the legality of the fait accompli which we always find amazing, the humour of a naive visibility of things, whilst we operate in the uncanny realm of the deja vu and the glaucous transcendence of history.(84) There is a sort of miracle in the insipidity of *artificial paradises*, so long as they achieve the greatness of an entire (un)culture. In America, space lends a sense of grandeur even to the insipidity of the suburbs and 'funky towns'. A miracle of obscenity that is genuinely American: a miracle of total availability, of the transparency of all functions in space.(8) When I speak of the American 'way of life', I do so to emphasize its utopian nautre, its mythic banality, its dream quality, and its grandeur. That philosophy which is immanent not only in technological development but also in the exceeding of technology in its own excessive play, not only in modernity, but in the extravagance of modern forms, not only in banality, but in the apocalyptic forms of banality, not only in the reality of everyday life, but in the hyperreality of that life which, as it is, displays all the characteristics of fiction. It is this fictional character which is so exciting. Now, fiction is not imagination. It is what anticipates imagination by giving it the form of reality. This is quite opposite to our own natural tendency which is to anticipate reality by imagining it, or to flee from it by idealizing it. That is why we shall never inhabit true fiction; we are condemned to the imaginary and to nostalgia for the future. The American way of life is spontaneously fictional, since it is a transcending of the imaginary in reality"(95). ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- This sponsor has been brought to you by the word "logy": LOGY (lougi:) comp. lo-gi-er; superl. lo-gi-est; adj. heavy and sluggish; dull [etym. doubtful] ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *Cheap Recreation for People With Low Amusement Thresholds* FIND A COOL BREEZE. Okay, it may not sound like much, even if you *are* ridiculously easy to amuse. But you gotta understand. Recall that we're based in Chicago - you know, where they recently had to start piling dead bodies in supermarket freezer trucks because the heat wave was knocking them off faster than the morgue could take 'em? When I woke up yesterday morning, I was stuck to my sheets. It's hot. Last night the three of us became positively *giddy* over a cool breeze. For several hours. Yup, yup, yup. A cool breeze on a hot summer night? (or afternoon, or morning, come to think of it) We might even go so far as to suggest you turn off the lights and turn up whatever kind of music makes you feel keen. But most important? Close your eyes and just feel the breezy tones of the breezy breeze. Nothing like it in the world. Nope, nope, nope. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- This definition has been brought to by the tangy juice taste of *The New Lexicon Webster's Dictionary* *of the English Language* Webster's Dictionary is not only a tempting appetizer, not only a flavorful beverage with a distinctive personality but also just naturally good. Webster's Dictionary, Lexicon Publications, Inc. New York. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- *EXPOSE* Ed Debevic's: Dive Into the Past, or Just A Dive? Ed Debevic's. That chain of diners coast to coast that have fought tooth and nail to remain activily 50's Joints. A charming novelty, or a sickening disgruntlement? The UP crew decided it was time to find out. The big neon sign greeted us as we drove down N. Wells in Chicago. Our first task was to force our way through the crowd in the doorway. The group composed of tourists, 14 year old girls and people with worrisome amusement thresholds waited giddily to be abused. Because that's why people "Eat At Ed's" - to be abused. Hurried to the back with a rude comment or two (heck, who'd'a thought the fun would start so soon?!), we end up at one of Lorraine's tables. Lorraine with the stain. She's so *fun*ny! Revitalized by our first taste of abuse, we peruse the menu. Pretty standard diner fare; the purveyors seem clearly convinced that each taste treat is the platonic ideal, from the hamburger ("The All-American food, perfect any time of day or night") to "The Cadillac of Chili Dogs" to "Mom's Apple Pie." Yessir. Orders placed, we pause to agressively enjoy the ambiance. We like the signs: "If you like what you're eatin', order more. If you don't - there's the door." We are mildly disturbed by the large hanging banana, and the large hanging root beer (which is made only more disturbing by the fact that it looks on the verge of..er..release?). Comfort comes by way of a small sign on our table which assures "Brewed Decaf - served from orange handle pots." phew. A conversation ensues about the Ed's in New York (now, alas, defunct) vs. the Ed's here in Chicago. It's not as much fun here - it seems more forced. Each member of the waitstaff has not simply the period "look" and the slightly less-than attitude, but an entirely individualized persona and costume. It makes it less believable. What we *can't* decide is whether this is because the Chicago Ed's is the original and therefore is the most agressively theme-y, or whether people in New York are just more believably bitchy because they're just more bitchy. In a good way. Conclusions? Yes. And I'll have a cup of coffee with that, thanks. Okay, so the food is good. But we're just not enjoying ourselves. And it's not just because the novelty isn't working its magic or because we see through the facade of the guilty capitalist revelling in abuse - nay, requiring it to sleep at night. Something just doesn't work. We are not feeling nostalgic. As a Place of Reminiscence, Ed's is a crock. Our suggestion? Lose the patrons, import the waitstaff from New York, and get over yourself. You'll be back in business in no time. Sha-la-la-la-la. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- This publishing company has been brought to you by the pure, unadulterated, wholesome tangy juice taste of *The City of New York* Okay, so it's not "naturally good"; but if you really want to combat that logy feeling, try walking unescorted through Washington Square Park at 2am. Perk you *right* up. New York City the Coca-Cola Bottling Company. ------UP--------------------------------------------------------------- The Utopia Parkway Diner *An Evening with Donna Reed* The Diner this month hosts not merely a recipe, but an extravaganza. If the food of the Fifties was not exactly *cultured*, it was certainly a culture all its own. The kitchen had become convenient, processed, ready-to-serve, easy-to-make, and food was a technology unto itself. "The right product could make the cook charming or patriotic, ladylike or butch - whichever quality was most highly prized at that time. Recipes are not arbitrary formulas for appetizers, entrees, and dessert; they are affirmations of values and cultural priorities." (from _Square Meals_ by Jane and Michael Stern) Add to this that the kitchen was increasingly becoming the domain of the woman of the house for women of all classes, and that many of these same women were joining the workforce, and it becomes clear why the Conveniences of Modern Life were grabbed up so swiftly and completely. From "The Can-Opener Cook Book" by Poppy Cannon: "At one time a badge of shame, hallmark of the lazy lady and the careless wife, today the can opener is fast becoming a magic wand, especially in the hands of those brave, young women, nine million of them, who are engaged in frying as well as bringing home the bacon. To the rescue comes the manufacturer of so-called ready-to-serve foods. When I ply my busy little can opener, I move onto the scene the way a chef comes in after a corps of kitchen helpers has done the scullery chores. Armed with a can opener, I become the artist-cook, the master, the creative chef. Consider a can of beef gravy. There is such a thing put up by one of our largest food manufacturers. No one in his right mind would wax lyrical over it, but it makes a sound and honest beginning for a dozen excellent sauces." From "Cooking for the Freezer"by Myra Waldo: "Cooking specifically for the freezer is a fine art." But enough of the frozen food, real if momentarily paused; enough of the canned food. Let's move on to the jewel in the crown of Suburbian cooking: processed, nay we cannot refrain from the temptation to say white trash, food. Mmmmmm...Wonder bread. Cheese so processed it's sculptable. Spam. Again, from the mouths of Jane and Michael Stern - "No one can deny its cultural significance and the radical departure suburban-style cookery marks from traditional home cooking. But it is not as cultural archeologists that we embrace the likes of Impossible Cheeseburger Pie. The famous dishes that epitomize sububia - tuna noodle casserole, corn flake oven-fried chicken, chocolate ice box cookie cake, and S'mores - are delicious by any measure. And the more 'difficult' ones - such as Pepsi-Cola Cake and Eight Can Casserole - are so audacious that they are positvely subversive. "A little treason in the form of culinary silliness is good for the soul. In the face of so much solemnity about modern cooking, it is exhilarating to reach back to Jell-O Cut Glass Dessert and Chow Mein Candy Clusters." Sooo, without further ado, the recipes: (if we've whet your palate, and you find yourself desiring more, More, MORE!, this book we've refered to a number of times now, _Square Meals_ by Jane and Michael Stern, is highly recommended. They've done all the sorting through used book stores, garage sales and church basements for you, tested the variations, reconfigured the technology, and, most important, they *get* it; very funny stuff.) SPUTNIK TEA "In the winter, serve it hot in mugs; in the summer, pour it over ice and garnish with lemon. 1 18-ounce jar Tang mix 3/4 cup Lipton instant tea with lemon 1 1/2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons ground cloves 2 teaspoons cinnamon * Mix all ingredients and keep in tightly sealed jar. Use 2 teaspoons mix per cup of boiling water. UNDESCENDED TWINKIES "We cannot blame anyone other than ourselves for this, the beau ideal of suburban desserts, although the inspirational credit is owed to our treasured Walnut, Iowa, Centennial Cookbook. After weeks of testing Pepsi cakes, we were infused with the spirit of suburbia, and when we came across the Walnut ladies' recipe for Twinkie Dessert (Lay the Twinks flat in the pan and cover with Jell-O), we were shaken with a vision. Why bury the Twinkies? Why not partially chill the Jell-O and lay them across the top, exploding the planar arrangement into three dimensions? Thus Art is made, and a new Jell-O dessert is born. 2 3-ounce packages Jell-O 1 cup boiling water 1/2 cup pineapple juice 1 quart vanilla ice cream, softened 7 ounces 7-up 8 Twinkies * Dissolve Jell-O in boiling water. Add pineapple juice, ice cream, and 7-up. Mix thorougly (in a blender if necessary to dissolve ice cream), and pour into a deep pan, approximately 9 inches square. Chill until mixture begins to set. Lay Twinkies flat side down in two rows of four across top of chilled gelatin. If the gelatin is properly chilled, it will resist the Twinkies. You will push them in; they will slowly rise. It is a tense moment, like the scene in "Psycho" when Tony Perkins tries to sink Janet Leigh's car. But remember - you *don't* *want* them buried. Just semidescended in the lush, peach-colored ooze. Chill until fully set. Serves 4 to 6." May we also recommend, for further edification: *_The Too-Good-To-Be-Leftovers Cookbook_, by Avon Books *_Catch 'em and Cook 'em_, by Bunny Day *_The Can-Opener Cook Book_, by Poppy Cannon *_Wild Game Cookbook_, from the Remington Sportsmen's Library *_Cooking for the Freezer_, by Myra Waldo *_Foodarama Party Book_, by the Kelvinator Institute for Better Living (To quote a well-satisfied user - "Foodarama living is better living for everyone, and it is marked by four important characteristics: Foodarama families eat better...save money...save time...and have more fun, too!") and, of course, http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/diner.html where edification is always the soup of the day. ------UP-----------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?----