Volume 1, Issue 3 June 27th, 1995 _____________________ | ------------------- | Conceived, created, and birthed by: || || Francesca Parker || UTOPIA || (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kari Bauer || PARKWAY[tm] || (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu) || || Kate Pickering | ------------------- | (kate@snafu.mit.edu) --------------------- | | | | Contents: | | | | | | | | o Despots' Log . . . . o Celebrity Greeting [tm]: We're Baaaack . . . . o Disease: Are You At Risk? (this has nothing to do with the sorbet) Violators of o Rodent Sorbet Copyright Laws in Every Nation o _Johnny Mnemonic_: You're Not Leaving and State Here With That Cure in Your Head! o Utopia Parkway Diner: Permission to Enact Your Wildest Fantasies o Activities for the Easily Amused: Part Deux *PLEASE BRING GRATUITOUS WEIRDNESS TO THE SERVICE ENTRANCE* ------UP----------------------------------------------------------------- DESPOTS' LOG: Volume 1 Issue 3 Well, it's the first issue of _Utopia Parkway_[tm] on location..er..a..or was that *off* location? At any rate, we're currently, uh, managing from a tri-site situation. If we were more generous, we'd see it as a learning experience. But we promised we'd be the clingy, desperate types, so we're still in business. Strap on your data gloves and jump on in; the cyberspace's fine. So how's your summer going? How come you never write us anymore? We even sent those preaddressed envelopes along with you... Oh, us? Well, we're in various degrees of "fine"ness. It's a little humid and you know how that makes our joints act up, but we really can't complain. And thank you for asking. We'd like to recommend that you take the time this summer to invite your friends to join you in an ice-cold pitcher full of _Utopia Parkway_. We're all natural. Well, if you don't count the computers involved. Erm. What if we just say "no artificial sweetners" and leave it at that? Make sure you have enough in case the neighbors drop by! And send us a postcard! Hmmm... We're tempted to actually put in an address here... You'd send us a postcard, wouldn't you? Utopia Parkway 1005 E. 60th #639E Chicago, IL 60637 USA Franny, Kari & Kate (was that Number Three? uh oh.) ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ Clever Celebrity Greetings [tm] just when you thought it was safe to be famous. "Don't'cha just hate it when the gentleman or lady famous person held in your highest regard, the celebrity whose cheese you'd gladly scour for nothing more than a gentle nod and a pat on the head? Well, it's not so bad when they walk by, it's bad when you sit there dumbly, unable to speak. And it's even worse when, five minutes later, your brain (finally) decides to kick into clever. We therefore provide, from our clever but maltimed stockpile, part two in a a series of Clever Celebrity Greetings [tm] so that you may never have to face your celebrity without....a clever greeting. *The Second Installment* Step 1: Pick out a celebrity to greet. (we apologize for having left this step out in the last installment. Dan, Amy, and all the rest of you who wrote in, we're sorry that we couldn't have saved you the confusion with a little foresight. And, no, it *wouldn't* be appropriate to sue.) now, one key element in cleverness is surprise (all of you who think that a Spanish Inquisition joke would be prime here should go to your rooms and think about what just almost happened.). You want to be unusual, catch your Celebrity off guard, distinguish yourself from the crowd. The Celebrity is a little bit like a big golden retriever. When everybody's yelling "here, boy!" it can be very confusing. In fact, you're practically doing him or her a favor by calling attention to yourself in slightly disturbing ways...yeah....a favor...that's it. Step 2: Find a serial killer/assassin/cult leader with the same first name as your Celebrity. Step 3: When, by perchance and mayhap, you run into your celebrity, whether by some twist of the fates or a month of legitimate inquiry, twist your face into that look of surprise and delight, open your mouth, and very loudly and excitedly exclaim the name of the serial killer/assassin/cult leader with your Celebrity's first name. The result, you see, is that for a moment, it's a greeting like any other. You are clearly a fan, and they hear their first name. Then things go horribly awry. Example: Kate, Kari and Franny spot Jonathan Depp, that daring young actor in angora, the man with a waif on one arm, a "Wino Forever" tatoo on the other, and a history of underappreciated film roles. up: John Wayne Gacy!!!! Other options for continuing, and you should use your discretion depending on the level of horror on the Celebrity's face, the length of the ensuing pause, and how many years you'd be willing to spend in prison, include: "John Wayne Gacy!! Oh, wow - it certainly is a privilege to meet you, sir. I'm a *huge* fan of your work. No, no, I mean it. Not many people have your touch with the human form [note that this comment should work for nearly any type of celebrity]. It's really extraordinary..." And/or, catch yourself...suddenly realize what you're saying...pull back and look slightly worried, but not enough to be comforting: "Uh oh. Did I...did I say John *Wayne* *Gacy*?! Oh, how em*barr*assing. Damn, I keep doing that. I meant, John...what did you say your last name was again? Oh, Depp. Right. Of course. How silly of me." [add slightly crazed expression and/or mad laughter as appropriate] If you don't catch your Celebrity off-guard, run for your life. ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ And now, for something entirely different: ***** As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group, The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG. Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) - Diagnostic Criteria A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: (I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction (B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet (II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following (A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome (1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged. (2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1: (a) psychomotor agitation (b) anxiety (c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet (d) fantasies or dreams about Internet (e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers (3) The symptoms in Criterion 2 cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or another important area of functioning (B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms (III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended (IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use (V) A great deal of time is spent in activities related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials.) (VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use. (VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others) Subscribe to the Internet Addiction Support Group by e-mail: Address: listserv@netcom.com Subject: (leave blank) Message: Subscribe i-a-s-g --courtesy of psydoc@netcom.com (Ivan Goldberg) ***** The mgmt. would like to make it clear that this does not necessarily reflect the views of the Good Folks at Utopia Parkway, but is intended as an opinion... And hey, this doesn't mean you have to unsubscribe - you're in control...of *course* you are. You can log out *any* time you want. you don't need help! Not at all! Neither do we! What *funny* thought! Ha, ha, hahahahahahaha.. ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ W H Y D O Y O U N O T L O V E M Y R O D E N T ? (a poem) Why do you not love my rodent? Why do you not love him, my sweet little rat? He's easy to please, my wee sleekit beastie, With an old cob of corn or by scratching his cheeks. His fur is as white as the pure driven snow, His eyes, ah, like red L.E.D.! (that wakes me at night.) Though sometimes his fur makes me sneeze And wheeze And cough, I am powerless, bonded to my little vermin darling Like a shoe stuck in cement Or a bicycle locked to a chain-link fence. How can you resist? He's just the size of your fist! You can hold him aloft with one hand! He's always at home, But I can't leave him alone, So I take him wherever I can. How can you not cherish his bald scaly tail? And who would not swoon for his tiny rat feet? Ah, his feet, yes, his feet, So small and so soft, With tiny sharp claws: Pink roses with thorns That lacerate my arms When I hold tight my love. His teeth, if left growing, Would grow through his skull And rupture the flesh of his brain. Thus he grinds and he gnaws (So endearing a trait!) On carrots and plastic and chips. You ask me how I can love such a pest; You ask me, why not a dog, like the rest? A cat would be fine, to nap in your lap. Or how about a fish? (You could eat him for dinner whenever you wish.) No, no, I cry. My rat is for me! I have him at dinner - he dines off my plate. He has very discriminating tastes. He naps in my lap, and crawls in my hair, He won't fetch the paper, But why should I care? I don't even read it! My rat provides all the excitement I need! I love my rat. ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ Johnny Mnemonic: A Journey Off Campus Becomes A Journey Into Our Own Minds (or presupposed lack thereof) The situation had grown desperate. We were laughing at stupid things, like cheese. We had aquired that grey complexion known only to UofC students and corpses. It was time to do something people normally do on a Friday night - you know, pretend to be human for a few hours? It was time to see a Least Common Denominator Movie. It was time to see Johnny Mnemonic. Through a sea of what must have been the rejected extras for "Singles," we strove to reach the theatre. Once inside, we were greeted (or was it "assaulted"?) by a huge cardboard cutout of Mr. Reeves, encouraging us to "Meet the Ultimate Hard Drive." Well, it *does* explain a lot, if Keanu's a computer. Last year's model. We later found out that it was opening night, so the theatre was full - not the pathetic crowd of six that is present at most showings these days. And what a crowd it was. People there for the "date" part of this film, action movie fanatics, sci-fi freaks and tech-type folks. Heck, we even spotted a 'Virtual World' jacket and two 'Ball Tech' tees. You probably know the story. 'Ol Johnny Mnmnemonic is a messenger of the future; who carries his parcels wet-wired into his brain. On the occasion of this particular movie, he's been called to carry a message requiring more memory than he has, which means that if he doesn't download within a few days, he will have synapse melt-down. And, double-bummer, the downloading code is destroyed when The Bad Guys burst in on the upload party. So what's the future like? Well, it bears an eerie resemblence to the early eighties club scene for a start (think the "Hungry Like a Wolf" video in red and black) - hey, the She of this flick even has a lavender hand grenade. And it's torn apart by the Very Same Moral Dilemmas We're Grappling With Today. Turns out Johnny's message is the cure to a disease that's ravaging the planet. And that Pharmicom doesn't want it getting out, 'cause it makes them more money to treat the thing than cure it. Introducing Henry Rollins as a "flesh mechanic" who's seen the dark side of technology and is blessed with one of the ethical speeches in this flick: "All the electronics around us.. poisoning the airwaves. But we still have them, 'cause we can't live without them!" And J-Bone who "run[s] heaven. Low-tech headquarters." Kinda makes you *think*, don't it? The film itself is silly without being *completely* devoid of technical accuracy, and, especially if you failed the Internet Addition Disorder like some people we could mention, it's a lot of fun to watch. We could hardly restrain our joy when, after a tense chase scene, Johnny's Big Exclamation is "I want to get online. I NEED A COMPUTER." And for a sec there we thought no one understood! Sir Mnmnmnemonic plays with lotsa neato toys, like a Stealth Module, Thomson I-Phones, Data Gloves and a Sino-Logic Viewer thang. Man, we gotta pick ourselves up some of those. And when, wandering around the Web virtually, he drops in on a guy called Strike who "has a board in this sector - he owes me a favor," the Bad Guys track him down by "lower[ing] the bandwidth." Yeeee-haw! But the high point of the film may be when Keanu..er, I mean, Johnny points to his head and exclaims "I've got a problem. Up here." So, I guess I *did* mean Keanu. In the great climax of the movie, we get to see Heaven. Apparently it's a hundred or so TV's with pictures of hurricanes. The Damn Liberals, led by J-Bone, are commited to broadcasting harsh realities to the world. They "strip the pretty pictures, recontextualize. Y-band it, broadcast it, go global." And the only thing for Johnny Mnmnmnmnemonic to do is risk the life that will soon be lost to a melted brain anyway, and try to save the cure by hacking his own brain. Since that seemed to be the Big Dramatic Image to take away from this movie, we hurried home to have at the brain on Franny's desk (aww, it's just one of those "Drop in water! Watch grow to ten times its size!" toys..I'm not a *total* freak. -fp). We may not have found much (except that you shouldn't hack apart those toys), but we were smiling, and maybe someday, *we*'ll have a neural net persona with Swiss citizenship that can live on after we die, just like William Gibson's Ghost in the Machine. Hey - maybe Plato was right about the immortality thing... ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ The Utopia Parkway Diner *A Few More From the Meddling Kids in the UP Diner* (or, If You Can't Stand the Heat, You Better Download Your Brain...) (from _Square Meals_, by Jane and Michael Stern) Computer Chips: "Double slash computers into slices of desired thinness. After they have soaked 1 hour in cold water, drain and plunge into boiling water for just 1 minute. Drain, blot completely dry, and proceed as with French Fries." Chocolate Chip Torte: "We shift perspective slightly now from cereal to potato chips and present for your consideration one of the strangest - and most disturbing - transformations of one kind of food into another. In this case, the leap is from the simple chip, suitable for munching with a Coke and a burger, to an elegant meringue dessert, in which crumbled potato chips create a bizarre and absolutely mysterious presence within the meringue. From 'Recipes That Pep Up Meals with Wise Potato Chips.'" (Leave it to us to quote a cookbook quookputer Chips (recipe above). ------UP------------------------------------------------------------------ *Cheap Amusement for People With Low Amusement Thresholds* (with thanks to Brian Dewan) Fold a paper plane. Wear a pilgrim hat, Ring a dinner bell. Sit beside a metronome Listen to an intercom File into a corridor, Be made to do a jumping jack. Sing a song of loyalty, wearing but a paper dress. Standing in the morning rain, sing the song all o'er again. Spend the afternoon indoors, making useful things from trash. Learn to fill a candy dish, Eat a can of tuna fish. Scour and scrub a basement sink, Sweep around a skating rink. Play with bottle caps. ------UP-----------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?-------