Volume 1, Issue 2                                           May 20th, 1995
   _____________________
  | ------------------- |   Conceived, created, and birthed by:
  ||                   ||               Francesca Parker
  ||      UTOPIA       ||                (flparker@midway.uchicago.edu)
  ||                   ||               Kari Bauer
  ||    PARKWAY[tm]    ||                (klbauer@midway.uchicago.edu)
  ||                   ||               Kate Pickering
  | ------------------- |                (kate@snafu.mit.edu)
   ---------------------
       | |       | |        Contents:
       | |       | |
       | |       | |           o Despots' Log
       . .       . .           o Realer That Real (The Reality Results)
       . .       . .           o Celebrity Greeting [tm]: Part the First

                               o Conner Tribble sure is One Interesting Guy
      Violators of             o Gina Grant bludgeons the sorbet
     Copyright Laws            o Road Trip: Part the New York
     in Every Nation
        and State              o Utopia Parkway Diner: Paul Bellini,
                                 Processed Food and Champagne
                               o Activities for the Easily Amused



      *PLEASE BRING GRATUITOUS WEIRDNESS TO THE SERVICE ENTRANCE*


------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

DESPOTS' LOG:                                                Volume 1
                                                              Issue 2

What do you suppose we were doing this evening at 10:30? With a heck
of a lot of revisions to do and more than a couple pieces (bits?
chunks?) to finish up, one might suppose we were working on this here
issue of _Utopia Parkway_[tm], or at the very least considering it.
Gearing up in some meta-legitimate fashion. Nope. One would be, how to
put it?, dead wrong. We were involved in an intense discussion of the
relative attributes of Pillsbury's Frosting Supreme (chocolate) and
Pillsbury's Creamy Supreme made with Jell-o pudding (milk chocolate).
A taste of the conversation:

franny: "Hey - that one's made with jello!"
kate:(returning with spoons) "This one's made with jello."
franny: "I was just saying that."

<we quietly consider the frosting>

franny: "I was about to say that this one really *is* creamier, but
        then I looked down and it wasn't the creamy one."
kate: "I was thinking the same thing."

(alarmingly, the one made with pudding tasted *less* *like* *pudding*
than the standard frosting.  what *is* it with us and chocolate
pudding, anyway?)

innocent friend: "I think the one with the jello, that's supposed to
                 be creamier is just more solid. The other one's just
                 slimy or something."
kate: "We have reached a conclusion. I feel satisfied. This is more
      than I've done all quarter."

franny: "You know, it really *is* creamier."
kate: "That's the creamy one you're holding."
kari (the voice of reason): "This one's *smoother* [the frosting
     supreme], but that one's more *milky*[creamy supreme]."


BUT ENOUGH OF THIS TOM-FOOLERY! So this is it: you now hold Issue 2 in
your hands (or as close as the weight and girth of your particular
computer will allow). We will shortly be entering therapy for Second
Album Syndrome.

Meanwhile, we wonder ("hmmm") if your mailbox (the real one, the one
outside, or downstairs or at the end of the hall, the one that hasn't
just been satiated with a nice, fat, second issue of _Utopia Parkway_)
isn't getting lonely...Might we suggest? Oh, why, thank you. No,
really. Oh, well - if you insist:

There's an excellent little publication entitled _41_, created by the
venerable Marvin and Gertie. A mightily entertaining collection of
stories, poetry, games, and more. It holds up a mirror - sometimes
scary, the things we identify with, but always <ahem> a learning
experience. It's even free. Email Marvin (powersm@elwha.evergreen.edu)
or Gertie (amandaw@elwha.evergreen.edu) to subscribe. Ask them what
"41" refers to.

Eating Moonbeams
is a one page photocopied zine that contains mostly indie music
reviews as well as some more established stuff (ie everything from
R.E.M. to shrimper bands to USW (local band) to Cane).  It comes out
about once a month and is available by sending a stamp and 10 cents
to: Scott Kellie 2230 university station; murray ky 42071


FROSTING UPDATE: 4:30 am; kari: "Although, I have to say that after it's
all dried up and stuck to the sides of the container, they're pretty
much the same."

Eat up!

 Franny, Kari & Kate

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

           *Reality Contest - The Denouement*

THE RESULTS ARE IN!!  AND IT'S *REALITY* WITH A TWO POINT LEAD....

Just about a month ago, we gained a cheap and false sense of power by
metamorphosing you all into men, women, and...uh...<this space
availible!> with a mission: define reality using whatever means
necessary, and get it to us in the mail. And it's not as though we
were talking any old reality here. Nooooooo, that would have been
*easy*. We wanted *your* reality.

We are, by the way, distressed by how many of you seem to be
free-floaters in this universe of ours. How do you exist moment to
moment with no schema? Ah, such is not our place to question. We just
think you might want to get that looked into. A friend of ours here at
the U of C was heard to say "I don't have time for reality." Yeah,
well, Nixon didn't have time for the truth: you don't want to end up
as a postage stamp that no one wants to use, do you? (aren't we
topical young women?) Andrew, this flippant attitude towards what is,
after all, a rather important matter concerns us. But then so does the
mystery meat.

It was harder to Compare and Contrast realities than we thought. We
even let loose a group of our friends among them, in a desperate
attempt to find an objective opinion of what makes a good reality.
Can't say it made our task *all* that much easier. What's left in our
minds at the end of this contest is, "What were we thinking?"

So, without more ado...

*The Reality that Caught Us - and Everyone Who Came Into Contact With
            It - Most Off Guard; In a Good Way*
Jeremy Ehrlich
  Ah, the man empathizes. This UofC alum *knows* the value of a dollar
on Shake Day. Should we share? It's worth a shake (bet you didn't see
that coming). Enter the performance art portion of the show. Attached
to a single, arguably crisp, dollar bill, three small vials labelled
"blood," "sweat" and "tears" and a post-it: "take this to Shake Day
and see what happens."
Comment: "I like the fact that he sent real money over the US mail. I
mean, that's not allowed, right?"

*The Reality that Has Yet to Leave Our Side (collective)*
Randyman
  This little dickens sent us peeps and a mix tape - a *really* *good*
mix tape.  Kari carries it in her pocket; it keeps her from killing
the rats at work. It keeps Kate awake during class (wait a minute,
doesn't that..oh.). Unfortunately it's the peeps that have yet to
leave Franny's side; they get kinda gooey in the microwave, don't
they? Why didn't anyone warn me?
Five Judges Agree: "Wow. Peeps!"

*The Reality that Made Us Laugh the Most*
Frankenberry & The Kate&Kari Show
(aka Zedler the elder and Sir Rayford)
  Steve and Ray sent us a three page disposition on the many parts
that make up their realty, er, we mean reality. From item
#1("Refresingly Pathetic") to Item #9("Ambition"), we laughed our
petoochies off at these guys' past, present and future. Oh, and it
made us think.
Comment: "Omigod - they do the same things we did in high school -
taping people's doors shut and ringing the doorbell!"

*The Reality that Brought Us Dangerously Close to Introspection*
Amanda Watson
  One day, an unexpected notice appears in the _Utopia Parkway_
mailbox: "you have a postcard at the following URL." Twas very
_Griffin&Sabine_-esque. We were intrigued. What followed was a series
of World Wide Web postcards: a small reproduction of a tasty work of
art and a message. Our senses were assaulted. Technology and
Creativity joined forces. In a flash of light, we thought we knew all
the answers. oh, no, sorry - that last one was the Find the Spam page..

*The Reality that's Even More Real than This Contest*
Jonathan Chaffer
  This man's reality is an Internet mailing list. Okay, so it's not
blood, sweat & tears. But when somebody took his reality away, he came
out fighting ("Tonight, on 60 Minutes"). He's in the process of
resurrecting the mailing list. We're pretty impressed by the sheer
concreteness of this act. Not only does his reality exist for a
*number* of people, it has a past, present and future. Pretty keen.

Honorable Mention: Norman Dautay,
  who sent us an essay in the more serious vein. We're still trying to
decide whether to be hopeful or anxious.

So, CONGRATULATIONS!!

We said it before, and it's true - it was darn near impossible to make
any decisions at all. All the realities will be up at the web site in
the near future, and we'd like to require you as part of this course
to go check them out. We really haven't done them justice. Not at 3:30
in the morning, anyway.

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

Clever Celebrity Greetings [tm]
    part the first, wherein we encourage you the reader to make
    yourself a creature to be feared.

Don't'cha just hate when the celebrity of your dreams, the star whose
boots you would gladly lick for nothing more than a punch in the jaw,
walks by? Well, it's not so bad when they walk by, it's bad when you
sit there dumbly, unable to speak. And it's even worse when, five
minutes later, your brain (finally) decides to kick into clever. We
therefore provide, from our clever but maltimed stockpile, one in a
series of Clever Celebrity Greetings [tm] so that you may never have
to face your celebrity without....a clever greeting.

                 *The First Installment*

Einstein's Theory of Relativity states that the past and future are as
concrete and real as the present. Really. They all exist at this very
moment, though you, silly human with those silly perceptions of
reality, can't seem to shake the idea that only the present exists,
uh..right now.

Sooooo, if you have any inkling that at some point in the future you
may legitimately have the opportunity to be introduced to or gain a
legitimate relationship to the celebrity in question, you're set. The
future is a pronounced fact. You already know them. All you need to do
is alert them to this. Shuck our corn if they won't be glad to hear it.


-->*WARNING*<--

This is one of the FBI Warning Signs that you Might Be a Stalker
(feelings that you actually know the celebrity). Use with caution. In
fact, to protect ourselves from being dragged down with you when they
come for you, we should probably recommend that you not use it at all.
*We* certainly never would. It would be a little *stupid* to, don't ya
think? AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO PRISON FOR *ANY*ONE!!! nope, nope, nope.

(btw, would that guy named Frankenberry who keeps writing me like he
knows me *please* take the hint?  thanks, franny.)

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

  *Conner Tribble, Making the World a Better Place for Baby Walruses*

Two hours on the Long Island Expressway, and at last, we enter New
York City once again. Franny's occupied this evening with some (no
doubt) nefarious activity, so she tells us to go see some people who
call themselves "Interesting Guys." Yes, but what *are* they, Franny?
"Well, I saw them a long time ago, and they're really cool. It's
hilarious." But what do they *do*, Franny? "Well, I mean, it's a band.
Well, kind of.  Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure
that's the best way to describe them...They play at the Continental
every Thursday night." Well. Seeing as how the only place in New York
City we had directions to was this place where these "Interesting
Guys" were, we decided to go. Our directions took us to a greasy and
crowded bar just off St. Mark's. Hmm, thought we, peering in. The
poster of the band on the door featured, in addition to three pretty
normal looking men, a dog. It was a nice dog.

We sat down, and in due time, onstage walked a man dressed in
something resembling pajamas, only covered - as pajamas rarely are, in
our experience - with a not overly subtle layer of glitter. There was
also a bass player and a drummer, wearing what appeared to be day
clothes. Sans glitter. No, really. The concert commenced, and we got
our first listen of such gems as "Sniff" (From a dog's point of view -
"Everybody says you need a sexual persona / but you put me in a coma,
with your aroma"), "Lather, Rinse, and Repeat" ("She said lather,
rinse and repeat / we'll do it all together/ we'll smell so sweet"),
"Children Who Eat Cheese" ('nuff said), as well as a cover of "Close
to You" introduced by lead singer Conner Tribble as "a song I really
hate" - it kicks the hell out of everything on the Carpenter tribute
album. To finish the evening off, Mr. Tribble proclaimed: "We love you
more than food!"  That was the final blow. We were charmed. We bought
their CD (sold by the bassist out of a plastic bag, on the edge of the
stage) and signed up for their newsletter.

A few weeks later, after returning to our other life as inconspicous
Chicagoans, we got a chance to speak with Conner about the band. We
even got to ask him about the dog. And, we got the scoop on the Guys'
recent Le Bar Bat show (where Franny had her prom. Better not to ask).

                              ******

up: How was the show at Le Bar Bat?

ct: It was great. That's a really fun place to play. In fact, it the
was the first place we played outside of the Continental. I believe it
was around in February, because we played in the Continental for about
a year, building up our show and making that CD. I remember going in
there a couple times when friends of ours were playing, at Le Bar
Bat, and I'd just look at the crowd - if we played in here they'd go
crazy. It was, it was good.

up: I saw you a few years ago...I'm trying to think when... I remember
you were giving out tapes, presumably home-dubbed.

ct: That might have been when we were already the Interesting Guys.
It was probably when we were first starting. We would do that, and
everybody told us to sell them, but I didn't want to sell them because
we just wanted everybody to like the songs, and we knew we'd be
putting out a CD and charging for that.  People are always telling us
we should charge more money, or do this, but I don't really agree with
that.

up: You had a different name before? What was that?

ct: Yeah, it was called "Come Again."

up: Ok... How'd you come up with that?

ct: Well, you know, it had the sexual connotation, and it also was
like, "Come see us again."  But I thought it was...I like our new name
better. I forget exactly how we came up with it, but it just seemed
appropriate. Not that we think we're the *most* interesting or
anything, I think everybody's very interesting, I just like it. I
thought it was very simple.

up: Why - and when - did you decide to change the name?

ct: We did that I guess that year we started playing the Continental
in Februrary, that was last year, and about six months before that, we
started getting really more serious about the band, started really
writing more songs, and trying to get more work. I forget how that
name change actually came along, I think I just liked that name, plus,
again, the "Come Again" thing, if you're serious - although there are
a lot of filthy names for bands - you know how a comic without using
filthy words, if he's just clever about it, he can be funny and then
you can use that in any context, in any medium anywhere, and I always
thought that was a lot more clever than just getting up and saying
four letter words. You can get a laugh that way, and get attention,
but it's not as cool. So, I think, with the "Interesting Guys," it's
like "What's so interesting?" you know...I think that's funny.

up: Ok, obligatory question: what's so interesting about you guys?

ct: The main thing is, we're really honest. A friend of
ours, a new fan, was saying, a lot of your stuff certainly isn't
politically correct. And it certainly isn't, but I think it's what
most people think about. If you're trying to be politically correct,
you're not really politically correct, you're just doing what society
tells you you're supposed to do...and so then there are a lot of songs
there about fooling around with a lot of women, a lot of songs about
sex, and just things, whatever you think of normally - what I think
most people think about, anyway. I think that's interesting, and also,
I just like the idea - we're not concerned with being like a - how
can I say this? - like a band, as far as music - it's more like, just
come, have fun...and we're liable to do anything. I don't really care
about playing a guitar, in fact, a lot of times I don't even play the
guitar, it's just a vibe, and you're not necessarily coming to see a
band - it's like a spectacle.

up: Presumably, this started out as sort of an aside, but you said you
started getting more focused, and more interested in making it a band,
and getting the CD together...what, ideally, do you hope to get out of
all this? I mean, is it still something you're just doing to satisfy a
part of you, or would you love to be a rich and famous rock star?

ct: Of course we would, and we're all taking it one step at a time,
but yes, I would love to have 20 sold-out shows at the Garden, and -
let me be totally honest here - Yes. I want to be like when the
Beatles first got famous, and number 1, number 2, number 3 on the
charts were all the Beatles - yes, that's what I want, that's what we
want. But on the other hand, we also - and this sounds kind of corny,
but it's very true - we just want people to have a really good time.
You know, I love the grunge Seattle thing - I love that, but there's
also a lot of some depressing stuff, and sadness, and young people are
depressed, concerned about their futures, which of course, I guess
you'd have to be concerned about your future, but when you come to our
show, or listen to our songs, it's just to have fun and just for the
hour we're playing - or if you put in our CD - just laugh because you
really gotta laugh. Everybody has things in life that make them
unhappy sometimes, I just like to see people laugh, and have fun. I
hear this over and over, people come in to see us, and they go "Oh my
God, I was so stressed out today, and I saw you guys, and had such a
great time." I literally do hear that so much...and when they say,
"Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'll put your CD in," again, this sounds
corny, but that really makes me feel great. That's the main thing, I
just love to see people having a good time. But yes, I would like to
be more famous than Elvis and Michael Jackson and the Beatles all
rolled into one.

up: How long have the three of you been together?

ct: The bass player and I have been together for several years, and
our current drummer has been with us for two years.  We were living a
bit of a wilder lifestyle for a while. We weren't really too concerned
with getting a band together...But to answer your question, the bass
player and I, we've worked together for about three years, then our
drummer, Woody Shannon, we were lucky to find him about two years ago.
About 6 months before we really started working hard. And I love them
both dearly.

up: This CD is full of different styles. What are some of your musical
influences?

ct: Just everything in the world, like when I'm walking down the
street in Manhattan, you hear some crazy noise - you know, we love all
kinds of music, everything, just everything - that's why the record's
like that. Because, you know you hear all kinds of stuff on there;
"Close to You" gets pretty heavy, then there's the song "Lather,
Rinse, and Repeat," which is obviously about shampooing your hair. And
so, for instance, when I wrote that song, I was simply in the shower,
shampooing, and just happened to glance up and see that - so
everything from a shampoo bottle, to hearing thunder...it's just
everything, literally everything in the world.

up: Doesn't sound like you're from NYC originally...

ct: Nope...

up: Where are you from?

ct: I'm from Georgia.

up: What made you come to NY?

ct: I came up about 12 years ago, and I came up here, you know, to
play, to seek fame and fortune, because that's where you're supposed
to go for that sort of thing. And always, I thought it'd be very
exciting up here, which it is.

up: What one place in NY, besides the Continental on Thursday nights,
should every visitor see?

ct: I tell you, I'm the wrong person to ask that, because I never go
out.  You have, like, the trendy things...I could lie to you...The
most fun I have is lying in bed, I guess because I'm out every night.
I'll tell you what I like to do. For 50 cents, you can ride the Staten
Island Ferry at night. And that's great, when you do it at night,
you've got a spectacular view, if you have a date or something, you
can go outside and really see the water. I like doing stuff like that.
You've got the harbor and the city and everything.  It's great. Plus,
it's only 50 cents!

up: Whose dog is it?

ct: That dog belongs to our producer, his name is Dave Dachinger, and
the dog's name is Sonny Bone-o. Both of them are absolutely fabulous
people. This dog, he actually is on the record too, that's not a joke.

up: Have you ever taken him to a show?

ct: We haven't yet, but we sure would like to...Dave's a really busy
guy, he rarely can get to one of our shows, but we would love
to. That dog gets more attention than anybody in the band! He's a
wonderful dog, and he was there for all the recording. He helped us
spiritually as well as helping us sing and stuff.

up: The author of this review in your newsletter calls your record
"novelty dependent." How do you feel about that?

ct: It's fine with me. The guy gave us a really great review. That was
our first review, and it was in the Post. It doesn't bother me the
slightest, because these songs are just songs that we write, and if
people say this was novelty, I don't care what they say. At least the
guy liked it, and I can't worry about that. When I write a song, I
would never go "well, this might be considered novelty." I don't care.
If you listen to it, that's wonderful.

up: But do you worry at all about being labeled as a "gimmick band"?

ct: No, I don't. That aspect has come into it, and we hear that.
And it is a concern, I guess. You could ask the other guys in the
band, unfortunately they're not here, but personally, I just want to
make a lot of money, and I don't care what they say! (laughter) No, I
don't care.

up: We read in your newsletter about your public access show. We
haven't had a chance to see it yet; could you tell us a little about
it?

ct: Yeah, I'll tell you about it...(laughter). It's actually a lot of
fun. What we'll do is, we'll show a clip of us performing, and then it
has a clip of me talking, telling you about life, it'll have clips of
other stuff, anything from human reproduction, to the crucifixion, to
showing baby walruses, to geese, to anything like that. I think it's a
very entertaining show. Not only is it entertaining, it's also very
informative. I've done a lot of stuff, and been through a lot of
stuff, and so I just talk about my experiences, and oddly enough, I
get really good reactions. We offer for people to call in...some
people, it's funny, it's like our band, you either really really like
it, or it's just too much for you...but for a lot of people, it's
entertaining, and I love it. I think we're only going to do it for
another quarter, which means we'll have done it for a year, but I'm
very proud of it, and we'll always keep those videos.

up: How did you get into public access?

ct: Well, you know, the show is really visual, and people are always
saying "you should try to get on one of these local shows" .And I
always, stupidly, assumed it'd be tough or something, and so I looked
into it, and it's very easy. You just call in, make an appointment,
talk to them, and you start sending in your show. We got a really
great time spot. We actually spent a lot of time on the show every
week, until we started recording the CD. The main thing was to use it
as an advertising thing. You can't actually advertise, because it's
free, you're not supposed to say "come see us," so we say give us a
call, and people call up and we have on our voice mail where we're
playing. However, the TV show seemed to take on a life of its own.
Oddly, I think we have fans who watch the show, who watch that talking
stuff as well as the clips of us playing, and don't necessarily come
out to see us, which is kind of odd. I don't think it's really worked
in that way, but as long as we entertain whoever it is, wherever
they are, that's great.

up: But you're stopping after this quarter, why is that?

ct: We're planning a summer tour. We're now on about 40 college
stations, and we're going to be touring the areas where we're most
popular on the radio, also feeling out the clubs during the summer, to
figure out which ones will be the best to come back to in the fall
when school really gets going in full gear. Bearing that in mind, I
don't want to be responsible for getting a show together every week.
And that will be kind of cool, because we'll have done if for a year,
given it a big shot, and did it.

up: And maybe that will force people to actually come out and see you,
if they don't have the TV show any more...

ct: Right! You know, people actually call and leave like, 10, 15
messages on the voice mail, just talking about different episodes. I
love that. I love the aspect, again, with the band, that it's more
than just guys playing music. I talk during the shows, I also say this
stuff. It's not that I think I'm smart, it's just that when you
experience things in life - everybody goes through practically the
same things, and talking about it is good, because everybody realizes
that everyone goes through it. I love that people who come to the
show, and watch the TV show, have said that to me, that they can
relate to that. It's just another whole dimension to our show.

                               ******

The Interesting Guys can still be found at the Continental in New York
City on Thursday nights as well as other NY dates and venues. If,
however, you're not lucky enough to be a New Yorker, don't despair!
They'll be touring this summer, and their CD is available by mail.
Just call (212) 265-8436 to hear the latest show dates, get on their
cool newsletter, or order their 11-track CD, "While You're Down
There," for $10.

As the guy from the _Post_ said, "The Interesting Guys think
differently from the rest of mankind."

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

*Sorbet From Hell*
If this won't cleanse your palate, nothing will.

  "Gina Grant seemed to be the perfect candidate for Harvard
University: an IQ of 150, honor society member, tennis team
co-captain, tutor of under-privileged kids.
  Now Harvard has taken back its offer of early admission, after
learning that Grant bludgeoned her mother to death with a lead crystal
candlestick five years ago..."

        - from the Chicago Tribune, 4/8/95

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

              Our Trip to New York - The Cliff Notes

FRIDAY - The Incredible Journey begins (deserted, franny finishes 2
         exams and a paper.)

 9:51 am - 6 state troopers in Ohio already.
10:27 am - No more state troopers, except for the state trooper
           station we just passed.
10:39 am - State trooper number 7.
10:40 am - 3 state troopers and a drug dealer going west.
10:46 am - Nasty accident - red truck smashed up. With state trooper.

10:47 am - 405 miles to NYC!!!

10:52 am - Buildings. Wow.

10:58 am - Car carrier truck. Stopped by state trooper.

11:15 am - "TRUCK WORLD MALL"  featuring: Susan's Scissor Shack
                                          Jib Jab Hot Dog Shoppe

11:21 am - "Welcome to Pennsylvania: America Starts Here"

Kari's question: "What were we in before??"  The answer: "Ohio."

1:35 pm - "Next Modern Facilities 60 Miles"

(Sometime around 7, we finally see NYC. And keep driving. Aw heck,
Long Island's out here somewhere, isn't it?)

8:30 pm - "Love Lane" to "Tank Museum"

SUNDAY - New York, the outer boroughs

1:30 pm - "Which way, Franny?"
          "Straight ahead!"

"We have maps! - Boston...Maine...Paris."

2:16 pm - Trying to find the '64 World's Fair site.

Franny: "I know it's somewhere by Shea Stadium."
Exit 9 - having another go at it....
Utopia Parkway - What's that doing in Queens?

2:24 pm - Back in Flushing.

"If anybody sees the Bronx, we know we went the wrong way."
Two 21st Streets in a row.
Franny knows where we are. A new, interesting feeling.

2:28 pm - A most deceptive road takes us to the doorway of the modern
world. A.K.A. that World Fair thing.

"Ana Ng" mysteriously hits the stereo.
"Who was at the Dupont Pavillion? / Why was the bench still warm? /
Who had been there?"

Setting up the bench picture - Kari: "We could build a tripod out of
sticks; I was a girl scout once." We settle for bricks.

How do we know when the camera goes off? Right when the guy on the
bike rides past.

Take 2.
Take 3.
Take 4....

In search of DuPont - "that could be a pavillion...no, wait.
Nevermind, it's a freeway."

4:19 pm - Coney Island ho!

Ooops, La Guardia AGAIN. That's not the right way for Brooklyn.

4:50 pm - Another cemetery. What was that about a lot of people dying
in the midwest, Franny? Parallel to people 6 ft. under - perfect spot
for a donut picnic?

4:56 pm - Intrepid tourguide comment: "Coney Island - much like
licking the bottom of a subway car."

TURNBACKTURNBACKTURNBACK

Nathan's - "We're not tourists, we're voyagers!"

4:58 pm (are you paying attention?) - Quickly fleeing...

Brklyn Br - Our guide, Franny: "It's all stone, and it's really old."

8:00 pm - Joshua Fried. Really (artsy and) great. (ref. last issue)

MONDAY - Kate and Kari experience the real New York.

1:00 pm - Now we can put that "no stereo" sign in Kari's window. We
settle for "You already got the stereo."

3:10 pm - The cops - great accents.  "I'll have a pastrami on rye,
and... - just kidding." ..."I know you think yer just a dime a dozen,
but yer not, we catch these guys."  "Big window or small window, we're
gonna find these guys and beat 'em up, man."  (P.O. Vertoukian) Fire
engine. All the neighbors out to see the ruckus. Fire truck stops at
the corner. A knock at the door. A fireman in the hall. "Is there a
police officer in that apartment?" "May I speak with you alone, sir?"
"We took off yer mirror down there...how should we go about paying for
it?"

MONDAY thru THURSDAY - The band breaks up. Kate and Kari go molest
phragmites on Long Island. Franny acts nefariously.

9:00 pm - The Interesting Guys: Really great concert. (ref. this issue)

"It's a religious goddamn song."
"We love you more than food."

FRIDAY - New York City in 48 hours.

Battery Park, Statue of Liberty, passed Wall Street, South Street
Seaport, World Trade Center, City Hall, Tribeca.

Chinatown. That cold sesame noodle thing. We've lived now.
As Franny explains butchers and their place in NY history to us, we
are passed by a man carrying two pigs. Whole pigs. Dead pigs.

We move on to Little Italy, SoHo, NoHo, the East Village, and Times
Square later that evening. So gaudy, we almost get killed by walking
into traffic as we gaze up into the bright lights. Nice trinket shop.
Particularly nice Lady Liberty collection.

SATURDAY - The pilgrimage continues.

Great literature and more at F.A.O. Schwartz: "The Art of Barbie"
A giant Barbie utters thus, in the dulcet tones of Donna Donna:
"Visit Barbie on Madison!"
"Ken is scented!"

Central Park, 5th Avenue, Tiffany's, Trump Tower, Cartier's, The
Plaza, Rockefeller Center, Lincoln Center, Upper West Side.

SUNDAY - Long Day's Journey Unto Chicago.

4:30 am (yes, AM) - Bid Franny adieu and start driving.

Pathetic lack of stereo and tapes drives us to desperate measures.
Kari observes that we no longer have to mess with tapes to hear
"Pennsylvania" at the border. That's the beauty of acapella.

8:22 pm (Chicago) - "Bouncing Czechs" van.

8:39 pm - "BEGIN URBAN. AREA"


To see all the gory details, check out:

    http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/kmpicker/newyork.html

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

The Utopia Parkway Diner

                *The Many Faces of Bellini*

Paul Bellini, writer for the Kids in the Hall (former) television
show, is even more talented than you think. Yes, sir, the man's got a
few tricks up his towel, yes he does. So, thanks to the
alt.tv.kids-in-hall who channelled this month's Specials.

1. A recipe from Bellini himself:

"He wanted everyone to know about his party-food specialty... bacon
cheesies.  White bread, a slice of processed cheese food, topped with
a piece of bacon - baked until gooey.  He says that they are his
trademark - every time he has a party he makes them.  They were
delicious."

[thanks to redgreen@io.org]

2. "The Bellini," which, oddly enough, has nothing to do with him.

">From  the April 1995 edition of Cosmopolitan:

Heavenly aperitif: the bellini
Possibly the best drink you've ever tasted!

Serves 4

2 cups sliced fresh or frozen peaches, thawed
2/3 cup peach or apricot nectar
2 2/3 cups champagne
One towel  [Ha Ha! Just kidding! It doesn't really say that.]

Combine peaches and nectar in container of an electric blender or food
processor.  Top with cover, and process until smooth.

TO STORE: Freeze peach mixture in a labeled airtight container up to 1 week.

TO SERVE: Remove peach mixture from freezer 30 minutes before serving.
Spoon about 2/3 cup peach mixture into each of 4 stemmed glasses, and add
about 2/3 cup champagne to each glass.

[I hear it goes well with trout.]"

[thanks to lequeeno@umich.edu]
[and whoever it is at Cosmo that we just plagerized in
second-generational form]

Soup's On!

------UP---------------------------------------------------------------

   *Cheap Entertainment for People With a Low Amusement Threshold*

Here's a good one.

Go to the library. It has to be a big library. 'Cause it has to be one
that has a section devoted to everything ever written on a topic area
both too complex and too boring for most people to ever bother with
(think law, government, insect taxonomy).

Presumably somewhere in the section of this big library devoted to
this complex and boring subject there will be large, moveable stacks -
you know the kind, those big stacks that move to save space. A great
row of movable stacks with only enough room to create temporary aisles
in between (because even the library realizes that they don't each
deserve the same amount of free space as most stacks).  GO TO THEM.

Wait until some unsuspecting, oh, say, academic, is dilligently
searching for the results of the fifth trial of the eighth day of
experimentation in one of the twenty labs diligently isolating some
previously unheard of and since forgotten reaction in May 1993 which
are so obscure that they were BURIED FOR A REASON, and then, (and here
it is) Quickly Change the Separation of the Stacks, *crushing* his
overly enthusiastic self.

For a variation of this game, bring along people you don't like. Offer
them cookies. Lure them into the back of one of the temporary aisles
(we've found "no, really, Cindy Crawford's back there," and "oops, I
dropped the crown jewels back there again" work really well). And
then, well, you know what to do.

We claim no responsibility if you followed all the instructions and
found yourself unamused. You might want to get that amusement
threshold looked into. Adjusted. Rewound. Lubed. Recovered. Tweaked.
Rejuvenated. (we found a really cheap place that'll do this for you.
fix you right up.) Delighted. yup, yup, yup.

------UP-----------------------------Y'all drive safe now, ya hear?----