Signs

"To the person who knows the American freeways, their signs read like a litany. 'Right lane must exit.' This 'must exit' has always struck me as a sign of destiny. I have got to go, to expel myself from this paradise, leave this providential highway which leads nowhere." --Jean Baudrillard, _America_

For those of us who are still travelling the Parkway to Nowhere (we just ignore those 'must exit' signs), the litany we experience often verges on the bizarre. Especially in New York.

New Suffolk - Populated Area Are you sure?
Quick Stop - Frozen Yogurt * Beer * Live Bait * Espresso Interesting.
DISCO Drugs - We deliver No comment.
Manhattan - A Bar Oh. We thought it was just us. Ok then.
1-800-I-Can-Be-Your-Fur Anti-fur, or phone sex/bestiality?
Plain Nuts But we thought...oh, nevermind.
Charlie Mom Chinese Food Your mom's name is *Charlie*?!
Lift Plow Blade If you say so...
Raise Plow Getting a little bossy, aren't we?
We HOV on the LIE Um, good for you.
TOPSOIL 321-2734 Wait! Did you get that number down?
Natural Oxygen Omigosh! Wherever did you find it?
Bottled Gas *ahem*
9 Lives - 3 for a buck. Ok, we promise to only say this once, but: only in New York...
SLOW POPULATED AREA That's not a very nice thing to say. Where do the smart people live?
TRUCK WORLD MALL
featuring: Susan's Scissor Shack and Jib Jab Hot Dog Shoppe Ooooh, let's stop *here*!
Welcome to Pennsylvania
America Starts Here Wait, then where were we before? Oh - Ohio. Sorry, our mistake.
Clean bathrooms depend on everyone Support the Bathroom Independence Movement!
Hoagies and Wedgies Which comes first?
Institutional Frozen Foods Mmmm. Yummy.
Life Center Is this a Walmart?
Next Modern Facilities 60 Miles Why does that sound so familiar...
Love Lane This is a street near Mattituck, Long Island and, as another signs informs us, "Love Lane" leads to the...
Tank Museum Hmmm.
Flugy must die That's kind of mean. What'd Flugy do?
UN PIG Where?!
Utopia Bagels Cool beans! :)
The Unknown Deli Ah ha! But now *we* know it! What are you going to do about that! Huh?
Saks 5th Avenue Well, in Southampton, it's on Nugent Street.
The Art of Barbie This book is on sale now at F.A.O. Schwartz! Hurry!
Ken is Scented! And while you're there, you might want to check out the Ken dolls...
Bouncing Czechs This was on a van. The van didn't seem to be boucing particularly, be we hate to imagine what was going on inside...
Prayers on Wheels This was also on a van. How conveeeenient.
Begin Urban. Area We sense a punctuation problem.
The sign in the window informs us that this is a Thrift Shop * Armenian Old Age Home
We'll be sure and not do that, then.
The other Sludge Dewatering Facility sign said "NYC - Working Together to Build a Better Future."
We found this one in the Hamptons. We were worried.